


Without You I Am Lost

by Dhampir (Dhampire)



Series: Love Is The Cut of A Razor [2]
Category: Gravitation
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Fluff and Angst, Humor, M/M, OOC, Sequel, Yaoi, yuki pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29611050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dhampire/pseuds/Dhampir
Summary: The sequel to CUTTING THROUGH IT ALL. Yuki has finally asked Shuichi out on a date after a year and is ready to rebuild their relationship, no matter what it takes.
Relationships: Shindou Shuuichi/Yuki Eiri
Series: Love Is The Cut of A Razor [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175534
Comments: 13
Kudos: 10





	1. First Date

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I've been asked by a few people to post the sequel and I'm finally getting around to it. It's complete (I think) and so I'll be uploading the chapters I wrote. It's not too long, I don't think? I'll have to double check the chapters, but it's over 100k words, I know that much. 
> 
> This is a **sequel** , so please read Cutting Through It All first--otherwise you're gonna be lost and wondering why the characters are OOC.
> 
> I'm not changing anything, only correcting minor mistakes, just FYI.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.

**Note:** This is a SEQUEL, please read **Cutting Through It All** first!

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
** _Chapter One  
_

I looked in the mirror for the hundredth time, smoothing my shirt, my pants and trying to relax. But that was impossible. I knew it was. I sighed and ran my hand nervously through my hair. I almost laughed—me _nervous_. Never in my life had I been nervous and yet now it was all I seemed to be. I couldn't stop worrying, wondering, asking, questioning everything before me—especially tonight. I reached into my jacket pocket and groaned, I had already smoked my entire pack of cigarettes and I needed one bad—damn, I need twenty!

It just didn't seem possible that I was being given a second chance. A second chance to fix what I had destroyed with a single, stupid, possessive choice that sent me into denial and harsh treatment towards my pink lover and sent him into depression, starvation and mutilation.

I had prepared myself for a refusal and instead found myself preparing for a date with the one I hurt most. I sighed again, leaning back into my bed. It just didn't process in my head that I was being given another chance. I was certain I had ruined any chance when I found him bleeding in the corner of my living room—huddling and crying like a frightened child. And I guess he had every right to be, I had beaten him…more than once. I never remembered them, but it was true, I couldn't deny it. It was just too many times to just be coincidence.

I shook my head, now was not time for those memories. We were starting fresh and I had my chance to prove just how much that baka of mine meant to me… I grabbed my jacket and slid it on, hoping I stunned him senseless when I came to pick him up. I snorted; it seemed so weird to think of me picking him up from his apartment. For two years he had lived with me and now for about six months he had been living on his own. I still hadn't told him that I sold the apartment and rented a new one…one that was only ten or fifteen minutes from his house. I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to at least still be in his life even if he refused me.

Turning my car on, I listened to the engine purr before I began towards his apartment for our date. Yes, date. I was taking the baka on a real date, something he had been wanting for years and I always refused. Now I was courting him, it was different. I loved him and I'm pretty certain he loves me as well, but I needed to gain his trust again. I don't know how long that would take…cheating on the one you supposedly love does have that affect I found out. I don't know why I thought that not telling him meant he didn't know about it—our relationship was all over the news!

At first I was ashamed of our relationship, I was known as a womanizer, a hot, straight blonde bachelor to the public and yet I was in a relationship with a pop-star singer with pink hair. I loved— _love_ —him, but at the same time I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't straight. There was also a small fact that I didn't want anyone to know about our relationship because it was _ours_. I didn't want it out in front of the public, I wanted my lover to be all mine and no one else's.

Yes, I'm a very possessive bastard aren't I?

Shuichi is _mine_ and only mine. I shifted gears and sped faster. It wasn't that I was late or even in a hurry, it was just how I drove…and I was anxious…I wanted to see my baka more than anything. For over a year I had to stay at a distance, just talking to him, not being able to touch him, hold him, kiss him and take him. It had been hard, amazingly hard, to see him every day and know that I couldn't hold him like I wanted to.

We had agreed, after he was able to, to see each other every day and just talk. I was amazed at how quiet he had become, oh he still talked a lot, but he was less hyper and more mature. I hate to think it was because of me he had changed his attitude to match his real age, but I still loved him.

Damn, I loved him so much that I stayed loyal all year. I still couldn't believe it's been a year since I've had any kind of sex and that damn baka of mine had me hard almost every time I saw him. Yet I was determined not to mess it up again and so I started with being loyal to him, completely loyal to him even if we weren't together anymore.

I pulled into the lot and parked my car, stepping out and looking up at the large apartment complex. I leaned against my car and took a minute to calm my nerves; I couldn't stop wondering if maybe he changed his mind, maybe he didn't want to go out anymore, what if he already found someone else—damn it! Stop!

I groaned, this was more nerve wrecking than wondering if Shuichi would ever give me another chance. I slicked back my hair and took the elevator to the third floor, walking slowly towards my love's door: 343. Finally standing in front of it, I took a deep breath and forced myself to knock. I honestly don't know if I could take this. Maybe it was all a joke, maybe this was revenge for everything I put him through, maybe he decided to go elsewhere, maybe he wasn't here, maybe he gave me the wrong address, maybe—

The door opened and I looked down at the pink haired, violet eyed man before dressed gorgeously in black. Shuichi. He really was here and he really was giving me another chance…I think I sighed in relief, but I'm not positive.

"Hi Yuki." He said shyly, his eyes guiltily raking over my body as mine did the same.

I almost frowned, what did he have to be shy about? I'm the one who's supposed to be uncertain. "Shuichi." I smiled, finally being able to say that name.

He blushed when I said his name, much to my amusement, and shifted on his feet. "D-do you want to see my apartment?" He asked.

My smile turned soft and I nodded, not trusting my voice. I hadn't expected him to invite me in…

He stepped back and I had to force myself not to take him in my arms right then and kiss him. God how I wanted to…but I didn't. I bit down on my tongue and smiled at him, reminding myself he was no longer mine and I had to work up to that privilege. Damn, I never worked up to that privilege before, why should I now?

My eyes kept wandering, taking in his still slight frame, his round face, his light blush, his violet eyes, his oh so kissable lips and of course his cute ass. I bit back a groan as he walked away, waiting for me to follow. I tore my gaze away and looked around his quaint apartment. It wasn't anything spectacular, a kitchen, a bedroom, a living room and attached dining room and then a bathroom, but it had Shuichi's touch. Everywhere I looked reminded me of him…from the pictures on the walls to the collection of CDs next to the television. Only he would put CDs next to the television.

"What do you think?" He asked, looking at me expectantly.

Seeing that look in his eyes and how much it meant to him that I approved, I couldn't refuse him and smiled. "I think it looks like you." I answered, amazed my regular retort didn't come out of my mouth. Usually I would just shrug and mutter something incoherent, but that wasn't me anymore. Now I had to think about what I said and how it affected him.

His eyes sparkled at the compliment and he smiled happily. "Really?"

I snorted, "Yes." I glanced at my watch and then lifted my eyebrows. "Ready?"

I saw him hesitate and bite his lip lightly before nodding and gathering his coat and shoes. "Where are we going?"

Opening the car door for him, I just smirked and closed it behind him. By the time I had sat down and turned the car on, he was already annoyed at me. "You'll see."

I had expected him to whine, cry and pout about it, but that was the old Shuichi, the Shuichi he was before I destroyed him. It had taken him a year to build this new persona and he still wasn't completely healed. Much to my amazement, he just smiled at me and nodded, content with the surprise.

I let him turn on the radio and listen to some songs while he sung along, letting his voice flow through me. I had missed that voice…I never told him I bought every CD he ever made and since he's returned to the music world, I've been to every concert he's put on, but it wasn't the same as hearing his voice next to me. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he continued his soft singing, so unlike his former self, and found myself smiling at him. _Damn_ , did I miss that voice!

"Yuki?" He asked, looking up at me curiously. I blinked stupidly before I noticed I was staring at him and even after that just continued to stare at him. "The light's green…" He whispered, blushing under my gaze.

I looked up at the street light and indeed, it was green. "Good." I said and tore off down the street again, trying to keep my eyes glued to the road and off his body. I heard him giggle before he picked up the song again and I almost groaned. It was futile. There was no way I couldn't _not_ stare at him, his voice alone was enough to break my restraint. Looking at his body was enough to break all my restraints, including not ravishing him in the car as we drove.

I practically jumped out of the car when we finally arrived at the restaurant I had chosen. Everything was set up perfectly…except now I was painfully hard and very uncomfortable. It was all that brat's fault and there's no way I can hide this…His voice was just so alluring, so lustful even when he didn't mean it to be. I don't know how I'm going to remain civil through the entire meal. I let out a sigh and turned to watch my lover's reaction.

Shuichi opened the door and stepped out, looking down at the small restaurant I was so fond of. Of course, he couldn't see the restaurant and the look on his face was… less than pleased. I had never taken him here, hell, I've never taken anyone here. The little restaurant was not well known, it's slightly hidden in an alley way that I had accidentally found five or six years ago while walking around. Since then I had come here once a month and never told a soul about it. This place was mine, my little getaway from reality when I needed it. It was so relaxing to come here, there were only about twenty tables, five of which were outside, and it was never crowded.

Oh, the food was excellent, the service was wonderful and the owner ran an honest business, but not many people wanted to walk down an abandoned alleyway to find a small restaurant that was absolutely perfect. This place was…special to me and I only wanted to share it with those who were special to me, like Shuichi. I smiled at him and held out my hand apprehensively.

"Yuki…?" He whispered, gazing down the alley. He looked at my hand and then at my face, reading something I could only hope he approved of. With a curious frown, he took my hand in his and let me lead him towards the restaurant.

"This place…" I began, and then stopped. He probably wouldn't appreciate what it meant to me, he probably wouldn't care about some stupid little restaurant I grew fond of. Damn it! This was such a stupid idea…

"What about this place?" A soft voice asked beside me. I turned to look at Shuichi's soft gaze and then turned away, still uncertain. I mean, it was just a damn little restaurant! Nothing great, nothing wonderful, but to me…to me it was everything. I wanted Shuichi to know that, I wanted him to appreciate it as I did because to me, he was everything. "Yuki?" He asked, stepping in front of me. "What is it?"

"Never mind…it's stupid." I muttered and began towards it again, but a light jerk on my hand stopped me.

I looked at him and was surprised to see he was angry. "No, I want to know."

"Shuichi," I whispered, softly touching his face, "this place is special. It's special to me and I wanted…wanted to take you here because _you're_ special to me." I finally looked away and added, "I've never taken anyone here before…I've never told anyone about this place."

"Really?" He asked in a hushed voice.

I turned back to him and was surprised to see such vivid emotions reflecting in his eyes. Then I smiled, knowing he understood what it meant for me to take him here, and gave his hand a small squeeze. "Really."

There is another reason I brought him here…something I had never done with him, but had decided I really wanted to, I just hope I'm not pushing it for a first date… I stepped inside and held the door to let Shuichi in, holding my breath. I wanted him to be pleased with what I chose; I wanted his approval so badly I surprised myself and found I was holding my breath.

The dimly lit room glowed with candlelight, each table held its own small kerosene lamp to illuminate the table and customers. The walls were painted in a rustic crème white, giving a more antique look to the restaurant, and the dark green pattern of vines and flower flowed through the room. The light music of a string quartet played in the background and I could see the slow movements of couples dancing on the floor.

I watched as Shuichi gaped at the restaurant around him, looking every which way he could get his beautiful violet eyes on. "This place is…beautiful!" He whispered, turning around to look at me, his eyes so alight with wonder that for a moment he looked like the old Shuichi.

"Yeah, beautiful." I whispered before I could stop myself and I saw him turn bright red when he saw I wasn't looking around the restaurant.

"I-I-I…Um, h-hungry?" He stuttered, quickly turning away to hide his blush.

I gave a light laugh and resisted the urge to hug him from behind and just hold him. "Keiji?" I called and the waiter suddenly appeared.

"Eiri! It's been a while." The dark haired man said. "I've your table…" He paused when he saw Shuichi standing next to Yuki and grinned. "Ah, this is why you've asked for another setting."

I nodded while Shuichi just blushed all the more. I've known Keiji since I first came here and we got along respectfully, but he had taken up the name Eiri and refused to call me anything different.

"Well, right this way." Keiji smiled, leading us through the tables to a more secluded table I had chosen. I wanted some privacy with my Shuichi, some place we could talk and hopefully enjoy each other's company. I watched as my pink lover slid into the seat closest to him and I took the one across. This is where I usually sat, but I was also usually alone. It gave the perfect seat to watch and not be seen; giving me the privacy I wanted as well as a chance to study those around me.

Shuichi kept staring down at his hands, as if he was uncertain what do to, and I couldn't help but smile. He was just too cute when he was flustered and how he looked tonight…I might be spending more time in the bathroom than with my date. "Um…Yuki I don't know what this stuff is." He finally whispered.

"Neither did I when I first came here." I answered, trying to sooth his nervousness. "It's Italian food. Alfredo, Spaghetti, Fettuccini—"

"Yuki! I don't know what any of that is!" He suddenly cried out, stopping me in mid-sentence. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my nerves. This isn't what I had wanted.

"I guess this wasn't such a good idea to bring you here." I muttered, refusing to look at him. Damn it, I should've known he would feel stupid if I brought him here! I am such an idiot! I could've banged my head on the table right then for being so inconsiderate, of course…I've always been inconsiderate.

"No! No, I didn't mean that…" He quickly said, but I was already shaking my head.

"No, you're right. I wasn't thinking, look; we'll just leave now and go somewhere else, okay?" I began to stand up, trying desperately to hide my disappointment and failing miserably. I was so used to showing how I felt this past year my stoic mask was slipping easily.

Shuichi bit his lip and shook his head. "I…I want to stay here."

"You're uncomfortable here—"

"And you're not!" He snapped, surprising me. "Tell me something, why did you bring me here?"

I frowned, didn't I already answer this? "Because it's special to me…"

"When I first saw where we were I thought you brought me here because you didn't want anyone to see us." He whispered, "But then you told me just how important this place is to you and I want to stay."

"Are you certain?" I asked, but inside I was jumping for joy. I really did want to stay here, I wanted him to enjoy this and treasure it like I did. He nodded and I slid back into my seat. "I'm glad." I answered seriously, picking my menu back up and scanning the different foods. "Well, I can say that the Alfredo Chicken is excellent and so is the Spaghetti. Alfredo Chicken is grilled chicken over noodles in a white sauce, Shu-chan, and Spaghetti is noodles in a tomato sauce with beef. They are both very good."

The frown on his lips made him irresistibly cute as I looked at him from over my menu and I couldn't help but smirk. He was just too cute when he was thinking hard or heard something he didn't completely understand. "W-what are you going to get?" He finally asked, just as I expected him to.

I smiled and sat down my menu, "Keiji!" I called and the dark haired man appeared from around the corner. "Order everything."

" _Everything?_ " Keiji gaped.

"Not large portions, but we want to try everything." I repeated, leaving no alternative.

"H-hai." He said and quickly retreated to the kitchen to report his order. I grinned and turned to Shuichi who was now staring openly at me in shock.

"What?"

"You just ordered everything on the menu so I could try it?" He whispered, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Why not? I'm rich, I've got enough money to spend it on anything I want, buy anything I want and give it to anyone I want so why not spend it on you?" I asked.

He began tearing up and I couldn't help but frown, concern already welling up within me. What did I do? Why's he crying now? I hate it when he cries! It makes me feel so guilty and I can't take it. Damn it, why is he crying? "Oh Yuki! I can't believe you'd do that for me!"

All my concern was washed away and replaced with annoyance and fondness. The damn baka just made me panic because he was happy. "Baka…" I whispered, rolling my eyes.

"Eiri-san, the cook says you're meals will be out soon, but please be patient since you have just ordered everything." Keiji said, setting down six types of wine as well as four or five different mixed drinks. "Enjoy…and expect a large bill." He winked before disappearing again.

I waited a couple minutes, idly chatting with Shuichi about random things…I can't really remember, I was too busy looking at his body. Damn, it's hot. Even hotter in black against his dark pink hair…it's a miracle I didn't start salivating all over the table. I couldn't help but notice how his fingers interlocked and unlocked as he talked, how his lips quirked in a small smile and how his eyes glowed in the candlelight, such a vibrant violet that I had never seen before. I just listened and smiled, taking in how his lashes fluttered when he blinked and how his tongue flicked out to lick his lips every couple seconds, how his hair followed his every movement when he would suddenly look to his left or tilt his head and how the light illuminated his lightly tanned skin. He looked absolutely gorgeous.

I finally stood up, much to his surprise, and grinned while he just stared up at me confused. I suddenly bowed at the waist, one arm resting against my abs while my other arm swept outwards, and asked, "May I have this dance?" I stood back up, holding out my hand and waited, praying he would accept.

He gaped…again. "You want to dance with me? With them?"

"With them? I want to dance with _you_ , I couldn’t care less about them." I snorted, slightly becoming afraid he was going to say no. Damn it! I am _not_ afraid, not afraid, not afraid, not afraid. I'm afraid. I never knew a date could be this stressful. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

He hesitantly took my hand, apparently still in shock that I want to dance with him in front of everyone else. Well, fuck everyone else. I slowly led him towards the dance floor, smiling brightly, and let him decide how he wanted to dance. He licked his lips again, I think it's a nervous habit of his, and wrapped his arms around my neck. I followed suit, placing mine around his waist and began to sway with him, my eyes only on him. The light blush on his cheeks made him all the more adorable and I had to fight the urge to kiss him with almost every step we took. I just wanted to ravage his mouth right there on the dance floor, then press him against the nearest wall and let him feel what he was doing to me before—Stop, stop, stop!

I took a deep breath and tried to keep my mind out of the gutter and away from how his fingers tickled my neck and how sexy he'd look with the first three buttons undone, showing his hairless chest and light skin, damn…I'm getting hard again and he's pressed against me. I could feel his breath on my neck, his eyes still locked on mine, still searching for something I couldn't see. I still wonder how I was with him, on a date, slow dancing with him as if it were normal. All odds were against this, there was no reasonable explanation for me being here with him, but I didn't question it, I just went with it. If it meant I could have my pink haired baka back, I won't question it one bit.

I tightened my hold around him, bringing him closer to me for the first time in a year. I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent, drinking in his warmth and finding a peace that I only ever felt around him. His head fell to rest on my chest and I somehow ended up with my head resting on his, both of us tightening our holds on each other. I wanted to tell him so bad right then, just how much I loved him, how much I've missed him, how sorry I am, how stupid I am and how much I want to have him back with me, but it wasn't the time. This was our first date; our first _real_ date and I wanted to do things correctly this time, no matter how hard it was. So I just held him, rocking back and forth with him in my arms as I've yearned to do for so long now, and was content.

Eventually we exited the dance floor; our fingers intertwined now, and sat down next to each other in the booth than across from each other. I smiled when I saw how big his eyes got when he saw all the food before him, all the different dishes so unfamiliar to him. He just stared, trying to decide where to start first and which to leave for last, and finally smelled one curiously.

I chuckled and picked up a fork, "Here, try that one." I whispered to him, pointing at the fettuccine next to him.

Shuichi just nodded and finally picked up a noodle, turning it about every which way before finally popping it into his mouth. He hesitantly chewed on it and I felt my heart swell when his eyes lit up and he looked at me with such pleasure. "Yuki! This is great!" He said happily, going on to try the next dish.

"I told you." I smiled, slowly eating the dish in front of me. I think it was some kind of shrimp noodle dish, maybe Shrimp Alfredo, but I cannot really remember, I was too enthralled with how Shuichi jumped from each dish, trying a piece of each one before starting over again. "Having trouble deciding?" I finally asked when he was on his eighth round.

He gave me a sheepish smile and nodded. "They're all so good!"

"Take your time." I said and pushed my dish towards him, "You haven't tried this one yet." I said while taking another one from the center of the table.

His eyes raked over the meal as if it was me he was looking at…I think I just insulted myself. I'm getting replaced by a dish of Alfredo Surprise! I can feel my self esteem dropping ten notches as we speak. Wonderful. He finally picked up a piece of… something and carefully licked it…damn. He's torturing me, watching his tongue flick out to taste that white sauce made my cock twitch and I shifted in my seat, trying to find a more comfortable position. He finally ate the piece of whatever and he smiled up at me, a little white sauce trailing down the corner of his mouth. I groaned, suppressing my sudden need to lick the sauce trail off his face, and grabbed a napkin, dabbing it off his cute face.

"Sorry." He smiled before returning to his meal. If I didn't know better, I'd say he did that on purpose…I spaced out as I watched him eat, trying to think of anything other than how erotic it was watching him eat and how much attention my cock needed at the moment. He must've devoured half of every plate before him and almost every mixed drink in front of him, which Keiji kept supplying him with.

I think he finally noticed my gaze because he suddenly turned red and began fiddling with his hands again. I was smiling, I could feel it on my lips, as I watched him, he was just too cute, so amusing and so lovable. Yet the moment was ruined with something _very_ cold dropping into my lap. I gasped at the frigid drink soaking my pants and touching my now very sensitive cock. I jumped up, letting the cup fall to the ground and wiped off the ice. "Fuck!" I almost yelled. "You baka!"

"Yuki! I'm so sorry!" Shuichi said, standing up to help dry my pants, but I batted his hands away quickly before he could feel my hard on. 

"No, no, I'm fine Shu, don't worry about it okay?" I asked, sitting down again once I was less wet. Great, now I was hard and looked like I already came in my pants, this night was definitely everything other than what I had expected.

Shuichi didn't eat anymore after that, he just sat there with his head bowed and his eyes hidden. I thought for a moment he was crying, but there were no tears on his face when he finally looked up, yet he still looked upset. I finally called for the check when it was obvious Shuichi didn't want anything else, and then led my little baka out and back to the car.

He almost acted like himself when he got in the car, pulling his knees up onto the seat and wrapping his hands around them, but he refused to speak with me. The ride back to his apartment was more than just quiet, it was disturbingly quiet. I even tried to start a conversation with him, but he just shook his head and continued to stare at the ground.

We finally arrived at his apartment and I was getting very irritated with his sudden change in mood. I got out of the car and walked to his side, he still hadn't moved, and opened the door, staring down at him. He looked up at me and I felt a pang of guilt, they were like before, so dull…so dead. "Shu…what's wrong?" I whispered, leaning on the car door. Now what had I done wrong?

"I'm sorry Yuki." He said, looking back down at his feet.

_What the hell?_ Was he going to say he didn't enjoy tonight, that it wasn't going to work so we might as well not try?

"I didn't mean to ruin everything…"

My heart began beating again. I chuckled and drew him out of the car and into my arms. "Shu…you didn't ruin anything."

"But I argued with you, made a fool of myself and ended up being so clumsy I spilled that drink all over you!" He retorted, burying his face into my chest.

"And if you did that on every date, I'd still want you." I whispered, tightening my grip on him. "I had fun tonight, I want to take you out on another date…if you'll let me."

I let my arms loosen as he pulled back to look up at me and gave a sigh. The moonlight reflected off his eyes and hair in such a way that he looked angelic, almost glowing. "Really?"

I had to smile at that, "Really." I leaned down and kissed his forehead, stopping myself before I kissed his lips as well, and drew him once more into a tight hug, trying to pour all my emotions into it. I loved how he felt in my arms, his lithe frame molded perfectly to mine, and I could only pray that this would not be the last time I held him like that.

I don't know how long we stood there, just holding each other in the parking lot, but when we finally move apart, Shuichi was more collected and I think some of my own fears were soothed. He reached up and touched my face lightly, studying me with his eyes again, and I just had to wonder what it was he was looking for and what he saw.

"Thank you Yuki." He whispered, "I…" I held my breath, usually when someone said 'thank you' it meant, 'thanks, but…' and I don't think I could take not having my pink baka beside me again. I thought I could, that it'd be enough to just be in his life, but after this night…I knew it was no longer a possibility. I loved him, I wanted him with me, and I don't think I could settle for less, but if he wanted me gone, then I'd leave him. I know I don't deserve another chance and maybe Shuichi was seeing that now.

I laid a finger on his lips. "You don't have to say anything right now." Please, don't say anything right now, I prayed, I don't think I could take it at that moment.

He shook his head and smiled, "I had fun tonight as well Yuki and I wouldn't mind a second date."

I stared at him in complete shock, he enjoyed it, he liked it and he wanted to go on another date. He wanted to spend time with me again, wanted me next to him just like I wanted him next to me. I think I just nodded, still not comprehending that he wanted to go on another date, but I was taken by complete surprise when he stood on his tippy toes and kissed my cheek. He blushed prettily and then disappeared inside the elevator.

I just watched the elevator rise up to the third floor and then his shadow walk towards his door. He paused before finally opening the door, walking in and then closing it. I continued to look at his door before a smile, a genuine smile, appeared on my lips. I slid into my car and let my head drop back, letting out a content sigh as I took a minute to recollect myself.

"Love you Shu-chan." I whispered to no one before turning on my car. Another date, another chance to prove just how much the pink haired baka meant to me and another day with him beside me. I left the parking lot and headed back towards my own apartment, ideas for a second date already running through my mind. Shifting in my seat I let out an uncomfortable groan, before I did any planning, I had to take care of a little problem that baka left me with.

Dhampir  
Page 9  
2/21/2021


	2. Bowling Catastrophe?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuki takes Shuichi on their second date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo-hoo, updating again! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it ^_^

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.   
**Warnings:** None so far...Yuki is OOC, but there's a reason for that and you'll know if you've read _Cutting Through It All_

Before reading this fic, please read _Cutting Through It All._ This is the sequel to my first fic and some will not make any sense unless you have read that at first.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
** _Chapter Two_

  
  


I opened my eyes and groaned. It's been a week since I last saw Shuichi, he's on tour and I can't follow him this time. We've only been on one date and I think this is killing me. I already know where I'm taking us for our second date, something he's never done before… Damn, I'm going to spoil him. And who'd ever think that _I_ , Yuki Eiri, know how to bowl. That's right, I'm taking the little baka bowling, rented six lanes and invited Shuichi's closest friends…along with Tohma and Tatsuha.   
  


Shuichi is getting back today and tomorrow is when we're going on our date. He still doesn't know where and from what Hiro said, it's been driving him up the wall. I think I've been driving myself up the wall with questions…I keep thinking I'll wake up and it will all be a dream. It's almost impossible for me to fathom I have my second chance, the chance I've been asking for every night for the past year, and that tomorrow I get to see my baka lover…I haven't slept with him or even in the same room as him in over a year and yet I still see him as my lover, it's a little presumptuous, but I'll say it again, I'm a possessive bastard and Shuichi is _mine_.

I sighed and finally stood up. I might as well at least try to write something…I think the public thinks I've holed up somewhere for the past year because I haven't written a single novel since _Cutting Through It All_ , a book I'm none too happy to take credit for. I was still dressed in my lounge pants and hadn't left my apartment in almost three days, content with just doing nothing and trying to get a certain pink haired man out of my thoughts…and failing.

Damn, when did I get so attached to the baka? I groaned, stretching my sore muscles and made my way to the kitchen to start my coffee. And fuck did I need it, damn dreams of Shuichi plagued me all night and in my sex starved state, Shuichi dreams come easily. But I promised myself I would take it slow and be faithful to just him, but damn! I never thought it would be this hard. Finally being able to hold him brought up such emotions that I don't think I can take it…with every touch I felt my restraint wavering and even days afterwards I could still feel his fingers tickling my neck, his breath beside my ear and his lips on my cheek.

Grabbing my mug of black, strong coffee, I retreated to my study to work on my next novel, which I might add I have no idea on. Let's see…my public responded beautifully to my emotions-poured-onto-the-table-in-front-of-anyone novel and that was about two men…Maybe I should write another one. I turned on my laptop and leaned back as it warmed up, my gaze immediately falling on the picture beside me of a pink haired baka three years ago. I smiled, I loved that picture…he was pouting because he somehow tripped over nothing and landed face first into a pond, he was on the verge of crying and atop his head was a lily pad. I could still see myself, a small smirk on my lips and a camera in my hand as I caught him off guard with the picture. He hadn't been too happy with that…but I quickly covered him in my jacket and carried him home, after I insulted and scolded him of course.

He had gotten sick too, he had told me he wasn't feeling good before begging me to take a walk with him. I agreed after what seemed like hours of his pleas, but once we got home again, I found he was already running a fever. He recovered in two or three days, but I still worried over him, even if he doesn't know it.

I shook my head and looked back at my laptop, it was time to work and setting my mug down, cleared my mind of Shuichi and tried to find my center. I had a novel to write and my editor was in no way going to be happy if I hindered my next novel even more than I already had. Right. Now, plot…

* * *

I groaned again, I'm going crazy! I've sat in front of the computer screen for over four hours and all I've typed is "Shuichi will be back in six hours. Shuichi will be back in five hours. Shuichi will be back in four hours. Shuichi will be back in three hours. Shuichi will be back in two hours." I let my head drop back on the seat and rubbed my eyes. I don't think I'll be able to write again until I have Shuichi back in my house and causing distractions. Even after a year, he's still a distraction!

I stood up, grabbing my empty mug, and retreated to the kitchen again, filling it with my sixth cup of coffee this morning. I slipped my reading glasses off my head and back onto my nose and picked up the newspaper, reading any random article to take my mind off Shuichi. Yet I still found certain things reminded me of him, small words about anything other than Shuichi: lithe (body), strong (body), came (sex), red (lips, hair), water (shower…), taken (sex), he (Shuichi), she (Shuichi), it (Shuichi), want (Shuichi)—I give up!

Growling, I slammed the paper down on the counter and stormed off to take a shower…Shuichi in the shower, naked, moaning, flushed, panting—damn it! I collapsed against the wall and rubbed the bridge of my nose. It's even worse now than it was before I asked him out, at least when we just talked I could keep my mind clean, but I can't seem to do that anymore. Everything I see, everything I do, everything I _write_ reminds me of Shu and by the time tomorrow comes I'll be insane.

I finally settled onto the couch and tried to relax. I could already feel my body reacting to the nice, sexy, erotic picture I gave it of Shuichi in the shower and groaned in resignation, there was no way I was going to get anything written and there was no way I was going to take a shower until those pictures were gone. I looked out the window at the night sky and sighed, Shuichi was getting back by air and wasn't due to arrive until eleven pm tonight. I wanted to be there so bad, but I wasn't certain if that would be pushing my luck or not…I just hope he isn't upset I'm not there to meet him…Damn it's hard trying to guess what is right and wrong for me to do! I know we've only gone on one date, but I've seen him every day for the past year and before that I lived with him for two years. I knew almost everything about him and yet now I was so uncertain of what my boundaries were.

I turned on the TV after some more reminiscing and groaned again. It was on the Music Channel and of course who else would they be playing than my baka in a white shirt, drenched in the rain? I think I started drooling…tight black pants, white button down poet's shirt, so drenched it was see through and I could see his lithe body so clear beneath it. His pink hair was now a darker maroon and plastered to his face from the rain, damn…he looked hot. I didn't really hear the song, something about facing your fears and taking a chance, but I was too busy letting my eyes rake over his body even though he wasn't right in front of me.

My little problem just got a lot bigger…damn baka, still making me hard and he's just on the television! Once the song ended, I turned the TV back off, swearing I would not turn that thing back on ever again, and retreated to my bedside to grab some sleeping pills. I don't know how long I've been taking them, but since _that_ night I haven't been able to sleep soundly and had finally resorted to drugging myself to sleep every night. I grabbed a couple and then downed them with my now lukewarm coffee.

I let one arm fall over my eyes and let the drugs do their thing, finding myself asleep ten minutes later.

* * *

'Knock, knock, knock, knock.'

What the hell?

'Knock, knock, knock, knock'

I groaned and turned over, burying my face into the pillows.

'KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK'

Didn't the guy get the idea? "Go away." I muttered.

**'Bang, bang, bang, bang.'**

Oh, that's it. Whoever's at my door is now officially dead. I pulled myself out of my bed and stumbled towards the door, wrenching it open and stared at my brother. "What the hell are you doing here?" I finally asked.

"Aniki!" He said dramatically, "I came here at your request and find you like _this_? You do know you were supposed to pick Shuichi up oh…fifteen minutes ago?"

My eyes widened, "Shit!" I whispered, retreated back to my room to find something to wear…damn, damn, damn, damn. I over slept, took too many of those pills, and now I'm late.

Tatsuha followed me into my room and smirked, "You're going to go bowling in lounge pants and a loose shirt?" He asked.

I growled, tearing my lounge pants off and replacing it with a pair of loose fitting slacks. Quickly grabbing my jacket, I disappeared down the steps calling, "Thanks Tat, lock the door, will you?"

"Sure thing ni-san." Tatsuha responded and I was so certain he was laughing. I got into my car and took off, quickly brushing back my hair and groaning again when I saw my shoes were missing.

"Fuck!" I growled, making a U-turn in the middle of the road and heading back to my apartment. I pulled into the parking lot, got out of my car and looked up just in time to see a pair of shoes falling towards me. I sidestepped them quickly and glared up at my brother. "Tatsuha!"

"Hey! I'm not the one who left without their shoes and I'm not the one who's late. I'll call Shu and tell him you're on your way, but you get going!" He yelled back.

I could've throttled him right there as well as hug him to death for getting me up. I grabbed my shoes, slid back into my car and once more raced towards Shuichi's apartment, hoping he didn't think I had forgotten him or set him up. Shifting gears, I quickly slid on one shoe and then the other while I tried to straighten my dress shirt. I must look like shit…

At least I didn't need to shower. I had taken one yesterday morning before all those wonderful images of Shuichi in the shower filled my head so I didn't look horrible, just unkempt. I turned into Shuichi's apartment parking lot, amazed I hadn't gotten pulled over for speeding, reckless driving and endangering others, and quickly jumped out of the car. Taking a second to pull my sunglasses on and tie my shoes, I sprinted towards the stairs and ran up them, skipping steps in between, cursing at myself silently. Great way to screw up your only chance Yuki, what an idiot! I screwed up our first date by taking him somewhere that made him feel stupid and now I was late for our second date…my track record's looking wonderful.

Panting, tired, unkempt and really needing a smoke, I knocked on Shuichi's door and waited. After a couple minutes, I began to worry and tried again, wondering if he knew it was me and wasn't answering the door or if something…my breathing hitched, he wouldn't…I began knocking urgently, "Shu! Shuichi?" 

Finally the door opened slowly and violet eyes looked up at me through the crack in the door. I could already see the hurt, the rejection and fear in those eyes and sighed with relief, at least it didn't look like he had cut himself again.

"Shu, I'm so sorry…I didn't forget our date but…" I shook my head, there was no excuse for me being late. "Please, I still want to take you." Damn, that sounded perverted and I inwardly groaned.

"Why are you late?" He finally asked, the door still mostly closed, but opening a little more.

"I overslept…" I finally said, sighing and leaning against the doorframe. "I took some sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep last night and well…Tatsuha came and got me this morning."

The door opened more and I could now see his entire face and half his body. He was biting his lip, trying to decide if he should believe me or not, and he finally said, "Then you haven't changed your mind?"

I shook my head and whispered, "I'll never change my mind, not even if you tell me it's over."

He searched my face again and once more I wondered what he saw and what he was searching for. I wonder if he found it. The hurt disappeared some as well as the rejection, but the fear remained in those beautiful eyes. "I'll get my shoes." He whispered and disappeared for a second before appearing again and finally opening the door. I let my eyes wander down his body, this time looking for bandages, blood or cuts, but there were none that I could see. He was wearing a deep blue shirt and black shorts as well as sneakers and I wondered who told him to dress loosely, though I could really care less at this point.

I held out my arm for him and he took it hesitantly again. I gave a sigh and let my head drop, "I really am sorry Shu…I guess I was just so…" I struggled to get my feelings out and I think he knew because he finally smiled and his grip on my arm tightened a little.

"It's okay Yuki, you're here now."

But I shook my head, "It's not okay." I said softly, taking him by surprise, "I want to be able to tell you how…I feel this time and you need to know why." He nodded, his mouth frowning a little, but I smiled at him and walked onto the elevator. "I couldn't stop thinking about you last night." I blurted, watching as his eyes widened in shock. I never did tell him before just how much I thought about him, always saying how I never even knew he was back or how I could do without him, but I was always thinking about him. "I just…" I struggled again, licking my lips to continue, "Everywhere I looked I saw you and it was driving me…crazy. I tried to work on a new novel and instead ended up writing about…" Damn this was embarrassing.

"Writing about what?"

"You."

He frowned in confusion, "Me?"

The elevator touched the ground and we stepped off towards my car, "Yes you. I kept…counting down how many hours before you finally returned…for four hours." Now that wasn't too hard. My heart's just beating ten times as fast, my mind is fighting for stoic bastard or weeping weakling and my breathing's changed from calm to something more like panicked. Damn, I can say I love him over and over and yet I can't tell him how I feel.

"You're silly Yuki!" He laughed, pulling me towards his car, "Come on! I want to know where we're going!"

I watched him pull me forward, the smile on his face so pure and the look in his eyes…I think I just made his day. "Then you forgive me for being late?" I finally asked.

"Of course!" He said, sliding into my car.

I smiled and finally began to calm down. I could do this talking about your feelings thing…I think. I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable as I just did, but Shuichi didn't laugh at me, didn't condemn me and he didn't dismiss me…it's more than I did for him. I turned on the car and began backing up, but not before I turned to look at him and said with complete sincerity, "Thank you Shuichi." He gave me a confused frown, but I didn't offer anymore and he didn't ask.

I wasn't even out of the parking lot before the radio was on and Shuichi was singing again, at least that's one thing didn't change… I rolled down the window and shook my head, trying to make my hair look less mussed and more styled, though I don't think it helped much in the end. I caught Shuichi staring at me a couple times and when I cocked an eyebrow at him, he quickly turned away, blushing. I laughed and turned into the next parking lot, the bowling alley.

I watched as he looked around the parking lot curiously and then up at the sign, Bowliroma…They should've gotten a writer to name this place instead of the owner…

"Yuki?" He asked when I turned the car off and began to open my door.

"Hm?" I answered, closing my door and walking towards the bowling alley.

Shuichi was beside me in seconds, "We're going here?" He asked in a hushed voice as if he was afraid if he said it too loud it would all disappear.

"That's right Shu, we're going here."

"Yuki," he said, looking at me closely, "you do know this is a bowling alley, right?"

"Really?" I grinned, opening the door for him. "I thought it was a bookstore…"

"Yuki!"

I shook my head and followed him inside, "Come on Shu, I'm going to teach you how to bowl."

I think his eyes got wider than before, but in the dim light I wasn't positive. "You are going to teach me?"

I frowned, "You don't want me to?"

He shook his head vigorously and attached his body to my arm once more. "No! I want you to, I just didn't think you would do that…didn't think you knew how." He added quietly.

"There are many things you don't know about me Shuichi, but I'd love to show them to you, if you'd let me."

"Really?" He squealed.

"Really."

I nodded to the man at the desk and took our shoes off the counter. Shuichi, never being to one before, didn't know this didn't usually happened and was oblivious to the odd behavior…much to my relief. I wanted to surprise him when he saw everyone else who was here.

I helped Shuichi take off his shoes, letting my hands linger on his legs more than need be, and then switched mine, looking up at him from my crouched position. He was looking at me curiously, something less than a frown on his face, but I could tell he was doing some serious thinking and that it was about me. I wanted to ask him what he saw, what he felt when he looked at me and what he was looking for so badly, but I was too afraid to hear the answer. So instead I refrained from asking the question at all…

Standing, I took his hand and led him towards the lanes, watching amused as he looked at the lanes and neon lights in wonder, barely even looking at the people who were bowling. So he hadn't noticed yet…

"Shu-chan!" A high voice sounded through the entire building and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Someone remind me why I invited that thirty year old child?

Shuichi snapped out of his daze and focused on the person waving at him a couple lanes down. His mouth practically dropped when he recognized his idol standing there with his pink bunny…Kuroguma or something…why does he carry it around anyways? "Ryuichi-san?" He whispered, looking up at me.

"And…" I grinned.

He furrowed his brow, glancing sideways at me, and then looked at the group of people again. "Hiro? Seguchi-san! Mika, Sakano, Suguru, Tatsuha?" He finally stopped there, I thought for a moment he was going to say all twelve names, but he just stopped and gaped instead. He then looked at me, his eyes full of curiosity and wariness. "You invited them here? You rented out an _entire_ bowling alley for me?"

"Six lanes, but it's all ours until midnight." It was almost one now so that was ten hours…I don't think I can last ten hours…

Shuichi just continued to stare at me…and stare…and stare…okay, it was getting a little creepy now. Maybe he didn't like it, did I guess wrong again? I began to panic again though I kept my outside demeanor neutral, but I could feel it building up inside me like a floodgate and it was about to burst.

"You…don't like it?" I finally asked in a hushed voice when Shuichi remained silent.

"No! I just…can't believe you did this." He said hesitantly.

I sighed and sat down in the closest chair to me. "I messed up again, didn't I?" I whispered. "I told you I wouldn't mess it up this time and I did and it's only been a week. First, I take you to that restaurant and you felt weird and then I arrive late and take you here and now you're…" I shook my head. "Will you go visit them Shuichi? I just need some time alone for a minute, okay?"

The fear returned in his eyes. "Yuki, no, please don't take this the wrong way!" He almost cried and everyone fell silent, uncertain of what was going on. I looked up at him, letting my eyes express as much emotion as I could let them and then dropped my head again, refusing to look at him. Shuichi dropped to his knees beside me and made me look at him. "Yuki, I'm just a little overwhelmed. I'm not disappointed, I'm not mad and I don't want you to stop." He let a finger run down the side of my face lightly and I just continued to stare at him.

"Then what am I doing wrong?" I asked, so quiet even I almost didn't hear it.

"Nothing love, nothing at all." He answered, giving me a small smile. "I'm just not used to this kind of treatment from you, I didn't expect you to stay the same after… all of this, but I hadn't expected you to be so kind and generous either. You've taken me by surprise Yuki, and I'm not certain how to react…"

He cupped my cheek and I placed my hand over his, closing my eyes with silent relief. "I never meant…" A finger on my lips silenced me and I opened my eyes to see Shuichi smiling.

"There is nothing to forgive and nothing to apologize for." He whispered, never taking his eyes off of me. When had he become so much more mature? How had I missed it? I gave him a small smile and brought my other hand up to draw him into a hug. He came willingly and was soon straddling my waist and just letting me hold him again.

"I missed you." I whispered into his ear so only he would here. "I didn't think I'd be able to last a week without seeing you."

He nuzzled my shoulder, "I missed you too."

We stayed like that for another minute or two before finally breaking away and moving towards the others, Shuichi smiling and as hyper as ever and me reconciled for the moment. I watched as Ryuichi practically tackled Shuichi in a hug, bringing them both down onto the floor, and came to stand next to my brother.

"You two took a long time to get here…" He smirked.

I rolled my eyes, "The bowling alley is five minutes from my apartment, Shuichi lives fifteen minutes away, _in the opposite direction_. Of course it took us a long time to get here."

"Well it's good to see you back to normal ni-san!" He grinned before going to join Shuichi and Ryuichi as they talked back and forth too quickly for anyone to understand, even if we did slow it down, no one would understand them…I think they have their own language.

Tohma came to stand next to me and I glanced at him, not certain what he was doing next to me… "So, have you and Shindou-san…" He made a hand gesture and I felt my anger rise, why did I invite him?

"No, Tohma, we haven't had sex." I answered sarcastically.

He gave an innocent smile, "Calm down Eiri-san, I know you will not listen to my advice and honestly… I've noticed how much you've changed because of Shindou-san."

"So you'll leave us alone?" I asked flatly, watching the light blonde smile at Mika.

"Well, I have tried and we all know how stubborn you are… I will never leave you alone, but I will no longer hinder your relationship with Shindou-san, as long as it does not hinder his career."

I snorted. "Whatever you say."

"Wonderful…now I have both Uesugi brothers' trying to pervert my singers." He sighed and then walked away, leaving me slightly confused until I saw how Tatsuha was hovering over Ryuichi. That got a chuckle out of me and I felt my mood lighten some as I watched Shuichi trying to protect Ryuichi from Tatsuha's advances while, to me at least, it looked like Ryuichi was _trying_ to get to Tatsuha. I had a feeling by the end of the night, Tatsuha was going to get the vocalist to do whatever he wanted. He always did have that kind of effect on people…

I walked up towards Shuichi and tapped him on the shoulder. "Aren't you going to bowl Shu-chan?" I saw him blush when I called him that, but he nodded and began towards the lanes, uncertain of which lane to choose. I gave him a soft smile and directed him to the closest lane, letting everyone else sort out where they would be. Tatsuha and Ryuichi paired up in the lane next to us, having the opposite predicament Shuichi and I were having. While I had to teach Shuichi how to bowl, Ryuichi was the one who had to 'teach' Tatsuha to bowl.

"What do I do Yuki?" Shuichi asked meekly, biting his bottom lip.

"We find you a bowling ball." I said and showed him where they were, finding the lightest one I could, five pounds, while I found another one for me, twelve pounds. I handed Shuichi his and showed him where to store them when it wasn't his turn and then typed out names into the score terminal. "Now, I want to see how you bowl without any instruction," I grinned, "just go up there and roll the ball down the lane towards the pins."

He made a face, sticking his tongue out at me, and sauntered over towards it. "I know that!"

Yet I couldn't help but smile when I watched him put the ball between his legs and rock it back and forth before releasing it down the lane, taking him along with it. I was quick to get beside him as he slipped on the waxed floor and fell onto his cute butt with a surprised yelp. "So you know that, huh?" I asked, pulling him up, "Well, Shu-chan, I never knew you threw yourself down the lane as well as the ball!"

"Yuki!" He pouted, stomping his foot, but he was just too cute and I couldn't help but smile at him and shake my head.

"Come here baka, let me show you how." I whispered, retrieving his ball from the…huh…I don't know what the formal name is, but I guess the ball holder. I took his hand in mine and slipped his fingers into the holes. "Now that's how you hold it, the thumb in the big hole while you put these two fingers in these holes." Perverted thoughts. Damn it. I stepped behind him, my mouth right next to his ear, my hand following his to show him how to roll the ball, my chest pressed against his back while my other hand rest on his shoulder to keep him steady. "Now, bring your arm back…and then forward, now back again…good." I whispered to him, trying to keep the husky undertone almost non-existent.

His face was bright red and I'm pretty sure perverted thoughts were running through his head as well. I hadn't even thought about the good excuses to be so close to him when I booked these lanes, but I certainly wasn't regretting it now. His body felt so good against mine, melding with such normal ease, and I had to bite back the moan I could feel coming. "W-what about those arrows?" He asked.

"It's supposed to make it easier and guide you in." Damn it, why is it everything I say sounds perverted? I swear Shuichi turned a brighter tint of red after that comment and I felt like taking a vow of silence just to keep my mouth from saying anything else in the wrong context. I let my lips brush against his neck as I shifted behind him and whispered, "You want to aim for the middle one first, that way you can get a strike."

I reluctantly stepped back to let him try again and couldn't keep the grin off my face as he approached the lane. He stood right before the line, knowing now not to pass it, and chucked the ball down the lane, watching it bounce and roll down towards the pins where just before it went into the gutter, took out three pins.

He turned around, beaming, and tackled me in a hug, making me somehow find a way to balance both of us as he held tight to me. "Did you see? I hit the pins!"

I chuckled and smoothed back his hair, smiling at him, "I definitely saw you Shu and you'll do better next time." He finally let go of me, turning red again, and I picked up my ball, looking at the ten pins down the lane. I took a breath and took a small running start, bringing the ball back and then releasing it smoothly with a step forward. I watched as the ball didn't knock over all the pins, but there were only three left when the ball disappeared.

I turned around and saw Shuichi just staring at it. "I didn't know you could bowl that good." He finally said as I sat down at the screen, waiting for my ball to return.

"Don't worry, you'll get better. Did you see how I stepped?" He nodded, "You do that, follow my movements and release it smoothly. You won't always get a strike, but you will usually hit the pins." I stood back up and took the ball again, aiming and letting the ball go, knocking out the last three pins. When I returned I saw him staring at the slash mark on my screen curiously. "That means you got a spare, which is when you get all ten pins in two turns. An 'X' means you got a strike."

He nodded in understanding and went to try again. I glanced around us and saw Tohma and Mika bowling three lanes down next to Hiro and Ayaka. Amazingly, my ex fiancé hasn't approached me. Suguru was bowling with Sakano and K was with his wife and son next to us. I looked to my left at Tatsuha and Ryuichi and couldn't help but roll my eyes. I think they were more interested in rubbing against each other than actually bowling…Tatsuha was pressing against Ryuichi as much as possible as the vocalist kept shifting behind him, certain to rub up against him, while he instructed my idiot brother how to bowl. I sighed, this was going to be a long night.

"I don't think I've ever seen Eiri quite this nice." Mika whispered, yet somehow loud enough for me to hear her. "Or this patient."

I glanced at them, a glare already focused on them and saw K laugh, "I don't think I've ever seen him smile!"

"Shuichi seems happier as well." Hiro added, "He's talking about Yuki all the time again."

"Eiri-san has changed," Tohma agreed, "but can we be certain _that_ won't happen again?"

I finally stood up and walked towards them, causing them all to fall silent. "Next time you want to talk about someone, keep your voices down." I growled, especially glaring at Tohma, and passed them by to grab some sodas. I took my time there, trying to stay calm and not just kick their asses out right now or just leave with Shuichi for some other place. Actually, I was seriously thinking about the latter until I saw how much he was enjoying this. He was chatting excitedly with Ryuichi and asking on some tips on how to bowl while somehow being completely oblivious to my brother's advances of the older singer.

One look at the baka quelled my anger and a soft smile came to my lips as I watched him try again. He was just so cute with the look of concentration on his face and the ball in his thin arms. After a couple minutes I saw him start looking for me, that fear returning in his eyes, and I quickly returned, two sodas in hand.

"Yuki!" He said happily as I handed him a soda, "Where'd you go?"

"Where's it look like baka?" I snapped and saw his face falter. I guess not all my anger disappeared…I quickly smiled and cursed myself. "Sorry Shu, Tohma just said something that… _annoyed_ me." He nodded, still uncertain, and watched silently as I bowled my ball, completely guttering it. I groaned and returned to my seat while waiting for my ball to come back. I glanced up at my baka and saw the soft look on his face as he stared at me, a slight frown on his face and his eyes so sad. "Shuichi, please don't look at me that way."

He frowned, "What way?"

"You're sad now, I don't like it when you're sad." I messed up again. I just keep messing up and I don't know what to do about it. I try, I really do, and yet I still make him sad and so fearful. What's he afraid of? Oh, there are plenty of things for him to fear, but what does he _really_ fear?

"I'm…confused." He finally said, our game forgotten. I waited silently for him to continue, watching him stand in front of me, spinning his cup around in his hands. He wouldn't look at me and I could see he was getting nervous again. "I don't know what to do with you, Yuki."

"What to do with me?" What the hell does that mean?

He finally looked up at me and I saw something unreadable in his eyes. "Before, I could place you in a…group, always, everyday and never had the lines blur. You were mad, annoyed, lustful, grouchy, sleepy or preoccupied and I could put you in any of those without a single problem." He frowned, cocking his head as he studied me. "But now…I don't know where to put you anymore Yuki. The lines… they're blurred and you no longer fit in them."

"And I don't want to." I whispered, "I don't want you to place me in a group Shu, I want you to let me show you how much I love you, no matter how long it takes."

He swallowed dry and I saw a tear run down his cheek. Why was he crying now? What had I said to upset him this time? Damn it, not again! "Even after all this time, you still love me?" He asked in a hushed voice.

I shook my head and opened my arms to him. Shuichi came willingly and I embraced him in a tight hug. "I will love you for eternity, but I want to show you that before anything else."

"Why didn't you tell me? You haven't told me that for an entire year…" He said into my shoulder, "I didn't think you loved me anymore." 

"I could never stop loving you Shu." I pulled him back so he could look at me and see what I said was true. "I didn't think you wanted me to say that to you, no matter how much I wanted to."

He blinked back tears, "I guess we're both interpreting this wrong."

I wiped away his tears with my thumbs. "Yeah, we are."

"Come on," he said, pulling me onto my feet, "I think I still need some lessons."

* * *

Midnight actually came quite quickly, I was surprised at how long we all lasted bowling. We all ate together and switched partners to play with others, there was a lot of talking, laughing, stories and eating. I think between Shuichi, Tatsuha and Ryuichi they cleaned out the entire concession stand, Tohma and I just stared at them as they devoured everything in sight.

I ended up playing with Tohma, Mika, Hiro, Tatsuha, Suguru and even Ayaka at least once, though I was paired with Shuichi the most, thankfully. K and Judy had to leave early since their son began falling asleep, but it was no big loss…everyone could leave for all I care and it wouldn't affect me…as long as Shuichi didn't leave that is.

Shuichi had actually proved to be a pretty good bowler, bowling quite a few strikes throughout the night and had won against a couple people, even against me once. I was certain I had a bruise on my back from where Shuichi tackled me to the ground after his first strike, but it was well worth it to see the wide smile on his face.

This was our last game and I had somehow ended up back with Tatsuha and Ryuichi next to me while I bowled against Hiro. Shuichi was beside me, just watching, he said something about being tired, but he certainly didn't act it jumping around and cheering both of us on.

Hiro and I both did horribly, or well considering this was our thirtieth game of the night, and came out with a score under seventy…Hiro won by three points. I finally groaned and collapsed into a chair, tired and so ready to go home. Small hands slicked back my hair and I looked up at Shuichi grinning down at me. "This was a lot of fun, Yuki, I enjoyed it."

"More than our first?" I asked, standing up and stretching my muscles, damn…I could really use a massage right now.

He shook his head, "The same, but in different ways."

"Well, I remembered you had said once you'd like to learn to bowl," I smirked, "and I wanted to take you."

"You…remembered that?" He whispered.

My smirk grew into a grin, "Just because I acted like I wasn't listening, didn't mean I wasn't Shu-chan."

He gaped at me for a minute before smacking me on the head lightly. "You bastard!" Making me laugh while he glared at me…I think he got that from me. He then stomped off towards Hiro and Ayaka to talk with them for a while, leaving me alone with my brother and the idiot. I tried to ignore them, I really did, but it's so hard when they're practically climbing all over each other and 'accidentally' groping each other. I huffed and sat down in a chair, trying to look anywhere other than the two men almost making out right in front of me. Damn, there are some things a brother is not supposed to see or here, and I was definitely seeing things that I was not supposed to.

"Our bodies would be very compatible." I heard my brother say and I rolled my eyes. Who would fall for such a lame ass…apparently a thirty year old singer. I watched as Ryuichi turned bright red at Tatsuha's words and I was certain the idiot would have passed out had Tatsuha not caught him and sat him down.

I looked over where Shuichi was talking with Hiro and smirked as I saw him rub his eyes tiredly. He never was a night person and I guess that never changed, he looked ready to fall asleep standing up. Smirking, I walked towards him and tapped his shoulder. "Ready to go home?" I asked him.

He smiled at me and nodded, stifling yawn. "Balls." He whispered and grabbing his bowling ball, started towards the back rack where we had gotten his from before. I followed closely behind with my own and it was only after we both put our balls down did I notice just how close we were.

Shuichi was staring up at me, his eyes big and his body only inches from mine. I heard the small gasp from him, but neither of us moved away and I continued to stare at him. I finally brought a hand up and brushed back some of his hair before trailing a finger down his cheek and resting it beneath his chin. He didn't move away, but his breathing hitched as he continued to look up at me.

I leaned in, my left arm now resting on the wall as Shuichi leaned back against the bowling ball rack, his hands limp at his side as he continued to stare up at me. Slowly, I tilted his chin upwards and gently touched his mouth to mine, savoring the taste of his lips. Even after a year, he tasted the same and I found my eyes slowly closing as my right hand moved up to cup the side of his face. There was no tongue involved, no teeth, or exploration…just a soft, chaste kiss. His mouth opened slightly to mine, but I pulled back before my gentle kiss escalated to something more passionate.

When I opened my eyes again, we were barely an inch away from each other and Shuichi's eyes were wide with what I hope is wonder. His lips were slightly parted and a soft blush crept up his face as I continued to stare at him. I finally let my hand drop from his face and gave him a soft smile before pulling away.

I finally noticed everyone had fallen silent and turned around to find everyone staring at us. Shuichi gasped and hid behind me, I'm certain blushing furiously, while I just looked at our audience. "Is there something you want to say?" I asked and they all quickly turned away, thinking it better to entertain themselves than piss me off—smart. I turned back to Shuichi and brushed back his bangs, "Ready?"

He nodded, smiling back at me and took my hand, interlacing our fingers. "More than ready." The look in his eyes made me wonder if his words had a double meaning, but I refused to let my mind fanaticize that idea. We quickly returned our bowling shoes and were soon back on the road towards his apartment.

I glanced sideways at him and smirked at the faint blush still on his cheeks. "I didn't mean to embarrass you…"

His blush grew, "I-I'm not embarrassed! Just surprised…in front of all those people…" He moaned, closing his eyes.

"You're embarrassed."

"Yuki!"

"All right, I'm sorry Shu-chan. You're just so easy to tease." I grinned, but then brushed his cheek with the back of my hand, saying seriously, "And I like it when you blush." Which made him blush all the more.

We were silent for the rest of the drive, content to be in each other's company and idle chat wasn't needed. I pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car, but I didn't make a move to get out yet. I looked over at my pink baka and smiled. He had drifted off on the way and I didn't have the heart to disturb him. I guess I was the only one content with his company and didn't need idle chat, apparently Shuichi needed sleep. He had pulled his legs up on to the seat and turned onto his side to find a more comfortable pose and had fallen asleep like that.

His lips slightly open, his pink hair covering his face, dark lashes closed lightly over his violet eyes and the moonlight reflecting off his face made him look perfect, so beautiful and innocent. His one hand rested on his legs while the other was tucked against his body and I found I could no longer resist the urge to touch that face.

I reached over and stroked back his pink locks before letting my fingers lightly touch his cheek. I couldn't believe how much I found myself wanting to do that now, to let my fingertips brush against his face, to touch him so gently and affectionately. I had never had the urge to do this before, it was always a raging passion to take him and show him through just how hungry I was for him how much I loved him. Yet now it was the opposite, now I wanted to show him how much I loved him through my gentle caresses.

"Yuki…?" He murmured when he felt my fingertips brush his cheek. Violet eyes slowly opened and blinked up at me, trying to remember where he was and why.

"We're here Shuichi." I whispered before pulling my hand back and stepping out of the car. If I hesitated even a second more I would've become intoxicated with his close proximity.

Shuichi stepped out and stretched, looking up at the full moon, framing his face perfectly and making my heart beat a little faster. Damn, did he have any idea just how much he tortured me without even knowing it? He turned to look at me and smiled, "I really enjoyed tonight Yuki."

I slowly walked towards him until I stood just before him. He frowned, uncertain of what I was going to do, but was completely taken by surprise as I lifted my thumb to run over his lips before catching them with my own. I was the first to open my mouth and let my tongue flick over his lips lightly before disappearing inside again. Shuichi responded immediately, his hands came up to wrap around my neck as he opened his mouth to me. I heard him moan as my tongue touched his and I slowly led him into my mouth, letting him explore it as I continued our kiss.

My arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer to me. I could feel him all around me, taste him, hear him, smell him and I was drowning. I could feel my control slipping, my passion taking hold as we were soon pressed against my car, our mouths still locked in fierce battle as our tongues fought for dominance. My heart was hammering in my chest and I could feel his beating as well, just as quickly.

Someone moaned, it could've been either of us, and we finally separated for air. Both of us were panting harshly, faces flushed, eyes full of lust and unspoken want and we were soon kissing again. All of my pent up frustration, my love, my hurt, my sorrow and my passion was poured into that kiss and I could feel the same coming from Shuichi. This time when we separated, I moved back before it went any further. Oh there's no doubt I want him, I wanted him right then and there, but I could tell he wasn't ready. I could tell by the way panic began to appear in his eyes and his muscles tensed and honestly…I don't think I was ready yet as well. Neither of us was mentally ready to go the next step for the second time and I knew any farther and any chance we had would be destroyed.

Slowly I pulled him into a tight hug and just held him. "I've missed you." I whispered, resting my chin on his head. "I never want to lose you again."

His grip tightened and I felt him bury his head deeper into my chest, "I have too Yuki."

After a couple minutes I pulled back and tilted his head up, "I don't want you to be afraid of me Shu…I'm not going to do anything we're not ready for, okay?"

He stared up at me in shock before smiling broadly and hugging me again. "Thank you." He whispered before kissing me lightly and darting away before I could even say goodnight. I chuckled as I watched the elevator move up to the third floor and his form quickly disappear inside the apartment. It was going to be torture, I knew it, but I also knew it would be worth it in the end.

"Love you." I said to the moon before turning away and driving back to my empty and lifeless apartment.

Dhampir  
Page 16  
3/1/2021


	3. Circus Time!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Gravitation,_ there, I said it.   
**Note:** This is a sequel to _Cutting Through It All_ , you really need to read that first!

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost**   
_Chapter Three_

  
  
I looked up at the bright top tent, staring at it and hoping somehow it would go away if I kept staring at it, but of course, it didn't. I hated circuses, hated them with a passion and yet Shuichi loved them and so here I was…just staring. I did not want to go in; there was no way in hell I was going in. The line surged forward and Shuichi smiled, dragging me along with it. I didn't put much of a fight up because it was obvious that my little baka really wanted to go here and so of course, I took him, but that didn't mean I had to go in!

Shuichi had grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers, giving me such a beautiful smile that I felt a tug at my heart…damn, I couldn't deny him. I forced a smile to my lips and tried to act excited about going to the circus, letting him lead me to the front where I paid for _two_ tickets. I took a breath and then entered; looking around as drums, trumpets and yelling assaulted my ears. I could already see the Ring Master in the middle of the ring talking to the crowd about how spectacular the show was to be. I tried to suppress a shudder and failed, but thankfully Shuichi was so enamored with the circus that he didn't witness my moment of weakness.

We chose a seat somewhere near the front and I closed my eyes as Shuichi looked around bright eyed. A year ago, he would've been bouncing up and down in his seat while I yelled at him to calm down, but a year ago, we wouldn't have been here either. I took a breath…damn I hated this place! I could deal with the animals, the parade, the noise and the acrobats, but I _could not_ tolerate the clowns, those… creatures scared me to death! Of course, I never told Shuichi I was terrified of clowns and only Mika, Tatsuha and Tohma knew about it.

I ground my teeth when the clowns arrived in the parade and felt my body tense, my mind already telling me to run. Fuck, I hate clowns! I don't want to be anywhere near them, I don't want to see them or even hear them! I took another breath and refused to look at them, it was bad enough I could hear them. I don't even know why I was so terrified of clowns, nothing ever happened to cause it, but they're just so…wrong and the white faces and the red nose and those outfits! I shuddered, damn did I hate clowns.

"Yuki?" A small voice asked next to me, startling me out of my hatred of clowns. I looked down at the young face and raised my eyebrows in question. "What's wrong?"

He was holding my arm, pressed against my side…he must've noticed my body tensing. "Nothing baka, just enjoy the circus." I almost snapped…even better, my colder side is coming out being around them. I saw the pain flash through his eyes, but I didn't say anything or try to take it back and he looked back at the parade with less enthusiasm. I sighed, I had done it again, but damn it, those clowns are just…creepy!

I wrapped an arm around his waist, hoping to lessen the sting of my words, but it didn't…he just gave me a small smile and then continued to look at the parade. I couldn't tell him about being afraid of clowns! It was ridiculous…

"Yuki…can we get some candy popcorn?" Shuichi suddenly asked and I looked down at him in surprise while he just gazed up at me with those violet eyes. "O-or not…" He whispered once I didn't respond, but I quickly fixed that mistake.

I raised my hand to the man and paid a ridiculous three dollars for a small bag of candy popcorn, but hey…I'm rich and so three dollars really is nothing, but it damn well better be some good popcorn or I am going to hurt someone. Damn…those clowns really are getting to me… I handed the bag to Shuichi with a small smile and then turned to look at the parade, thankful that the clowns were on the other side now. Now it was the tiger trainers and acrobats…next it would be the horses, then the elephants, then the random people and then the clowns once more…why did they have to go around twice?

Shuichi, on the other hand, had no problem with the clowns; instead he seemed to enjoy them thoroughly and laughed at their antics. How can anyone enjoy that is beyond me, I cannot wait until this is over…I groaned when the circus began and tried hard to at least pretend to enjoy it, but those clowns! How pitiful am I, a murderer, a cold bastard writer and a fearless man, to be terrified of clowns?

I looked down at him popping popcorn into his mouth and gave him a soft smile, bringing my hand up from his waist to lightly run my fingers through his hair. He looked up in surprise, but smiled at me before returning to the circus display going on…tiger tamer right now. I watched as the man dressed in bright red commanded the seven large Asian tigers to do numerous tricks and stunts. I have to admit it was quite stunning to watch such great creatures do those stunts, but at the same time…I've always felt slightly bad as well because they had no freedom, no real life.

* * *

A half hour later they brought out the elephants and horses. First it was the horses and acrobats, riding around on the horses, jumping from horse to horse and doing flips and such, then it was the elephants. Those massive creatures doing twirls and standing on their hind legs was ridiculous looking…then the Ring Master called for someone to come down and let the elephants walk over them…oh, what idiot would do something like that!

"I'll do it!"

I looked to my right and stared at Shuichi, "You have got to be kidding me, baka! You're not really going to!"

He smiled and just patted my head as he passed me, descending to the ring floor. Oh hell, I was not going to watch my baka get trampled on by elephants. I stood up and followed him down to the damn ring floor and turned him around.

"Shuichi—"

"Yuki! What are you doing down here?" He asked, surprised.

"I'm not letting you get trampled!" I growled. "There is no way in hell I'm going to let you do this."

"But Yuki, they're used to this stuff! They do it all the time, I'm not gonna get hurt." He pleaded, a pout on his face, making him so irresistibly cute.

"I refuse!" I growled.

"Hey man, it'll be fine!" Someone said from behind me, setting a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and stared into deep green eyes, a white face and a red nose.

"Fuck! Get the fuck away from me!" I almost screamed, tearing away from the damnable clown.

"Hey man! There are children here!" It said.

"Then you fucking stay away from me!" I growled, pushing Shuichi in front of me. I could care less about my pride anymore as long as the fucking clown stayed the hell away from me. Shuichi gave me a confused look from over his shoulder as I stood behind him and then looked at the clown. There was no fucking way I was letting that…that thing come near me, no way in hell!

"Yuki?" Shuichi asked, looking from me to the clown and then back to me. "Is something wrong?"

"Of course not!" I said sarcastically, but shoved Shuichi ahead of me when the clown came closer. "Stay the fuck away!"

"Sir, there are children here, please refrain from swearing." The clown said.

I growled and continued to step backwards. "Stay away damn it! I _hate_ clowns!" Without another glance, I stormed away, hell, the baka could go and get killed for all I cared right then, there was no fucking way I was going to stay near that damn clown for another minute. I quickly took my seat again, fuming, and watched as my baka lover stared at me for a minute before looking back at the trainer for instructions.

I ignored all the heated glares from mothers and the amazed stares from children and tried to calm my nerves enough to have a heart attack as I watched that baka lay down before six elephants. My hands knotted in my shirt as the trainer first led the six large elephants over Shuichi, my heart practically dying every time one of those massive feet stepped over him. Oh, but it wasn't over…no, no, no, no…it can't be over until I have a heart attack, of course it can't!

The trainer smiled down at Shuichi and then led their eleven ton elephant up to my little hundred pound lover and had the beast place a foot on his stomach, pressing down slightly. But it still wasn't over! No…then with my baby beneath the monster, the trainer had the massiveAfrican elephant do a couple tricks like balancing on two feet, rearing up and then coming back down to rest a foot on my baka and then even better, balancing on two feet as well as balancing a ball…Oh, I had my heart attack. My heart attack consisted of my heart stopping, me staring, then me storming back down to the ring, grabbing Shuichi and dragging him back up to our seats and sitting him down crossly.

"Aw, Yuki!" He pouted.

"I am not watching you die because you're stupid." I snapped and glared at everyone but him. I returned to watching the damn circus, shuddering every time I saw a fucking clown, and tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Yet it only took one look at the baka to see how uncertain he was now that I've snapped at him and I was already feeling guilty. I sighed but turned to him and lightly stroked his hair. "Do you want some…" I looked around, "cotton candy?"

Shuichi stared at me incredulously, but slowly nodded. "Sure Yuki."

I smiled and beckoned the man over. I didn't even have to ask Shuichi if he preferred blue or pink and just ordered the pink, handing over the bag of cotton candy to him. "There you go Shu-chan."

He brightened at the name and took it without hesitation, opening the bag to try the contents. "Thanks Yuki!" He smiled and took out a piece of pink fuzz. I gave him a small smile in return and turned back to watch as the trapeze acrobats took the stage. They were really the only thing about carnivals I liked…watching them fly through the air as if they were weightless is a beautiful thing to watch.

The first one took the bar and swung out into the arena, fifty feet in the air. The man then hung from his knees and swung back towards the platform where another man waited before jumping towards them. Shuichi gasped beside me and latched onto my arm as the man grasped the other's arms, crushing his cotton candy between his hands and my arm.

"He made it!" Shuichi squealed, watching the same man flip to the other bar. They did a couple tricks, making chains of two or three people and taking them across the leap to the other platform. The grip he had on my arm rarely lessened as we watched the trapeze artists go through their performance. He began eating his cotton candy again and both of us were soon enthralled with the flying trapeze acrobats. I even laughed some, though lightly, while Shuichi gasped, laughed and squealed throughout the performance.

I smiled down at him and completely lost all train of thought. Shuichi was still eating his cotton candy, but every time he put a piece into his mouth, he stopped for a second to suck, bite and lick the pink candy off his fingertips. I almost moaned watching as those slender fingers slipped inside his pink lips and that deep red tongue flicking out to lick at the pink candy stuck to his fingers. I tried to tear my eyes away as those same fingers returned glistening with saliva, clean of any candy that was on them, and dove back down to grab another piece of cotton candy.

He brought it up to his lips and stuck that little tongue of his out to lick slightly at the candy before popping it into his mouth and licking lightly at his fingers before stopping to stare at one. He then inserted it into his mouth and bit and licked at it until it was clean once more, glistening again with his saliva and leaving behind colored lips.

I did let out a moan that time, my eyes slightly closing as I watched through half lidded eyes as he once again sucked at his fingers, inserting half the finger and then slowly drawing it out until only the tip remained inside and then pushing it back inside to suck harder. His soft sucking sounds reached my ears as his cheeks drew in as he sucked harshly at the candy stuck to his fingers and my 'little problem' just got a lot bigger.

I moaned louder that time as his fingers disappeared once more into that wet, hot mouth…Oh God…I shifted lightly to cover my sudden erection from showing and finally tore my eyes away, but I was no longer oblivious to the sounds he was making. I wonder if he knew the affect he was having on me or not…damn my cock is twitching with every sucking sound he makes. Already the picture of that mouth elsewhere…somewhere where it was more needed at the moment and of God! I'm going to cum right here if he doesn't stop…

"I'll be right back Shu-chan!" I practically yelled at him and quickly went in search for a bathroom. Oh fuck did I need a bathroom, a tent, a damn bush! I don't care what the hell it is right now, as long as I find something because I'm about to cum right in my pants. I found the damn bathroom after another two minutes, thoughts of Shuichi naked on the bed, between my legs, that mouth licking and nipping and me…cumming, right damn well now!

I dashed into a bathroom stall and unzipped my pants quickly fisting my straining erection as even more erotic pictures of Shuichi came into my mind. I didn't last long at all, a year without sex and I was quickly becoming used to my hand and cold showers. "Oh God, Shuichi…" I groaned, my seed shooting harshly into the toilet as I collapsed against the side of the stall and took a minute to catch my breath from my hard climax. Damn, being this close to him was so intoxicating…I don't think I'm going to make it through this date without having to cum again, especially if he's still eating cotton candy.

After another five minutes, I finally cleaned up and zipped my pants back up, exiting the stall. I stopped to wash my hands and then slicked back my slightly damp hair before walking out again, hoping I looked composed and not like someone just gave me the best blowjob I've ever had.

I took my time and bought us drinks before returning, all traces of masturbation gone. I sighed and sat down beside him, handing him his drink and thankful that he was no longer eating cotton candy. I looked at the circus, they were about to do one final trick and then it would be over.

"Yuki…what's that?" Shuichi asked and I looked to see him pointing at the front of my pants. I followed his fingers and quickly brushed off the dried semen stuck to my pants.

"It's just soap." I mumbled, turning back to the circus before he could question me again, but he was content with that answer. I refused to look at him for the rest of the circus, afraid if I did then I'd be moaning again and visiting the bathroom. Yet he scooted closer to me and laid his head on my shoulder and I couldn't refuse anymore. I looked down at him just as the circus was ending and smiled when he sleepily blinked up at me. "Getting tired?"

"Sorry…I didn't sleep very much last night…" He muttered.

"You baka…" I muttered, but helped him stand up. I blinked when we stepped out into the light and checked my watch, three pm. A four hour circus…well, that's the longest circus I've ever been to…though I've only been to two others. "Why didn't you sleep very much?"

He tensed beneath my arm and I frowned down at him, what the hell did I say? He suddenly relaxed and shrugged, "It was just…a long night that's all."

I didn't respond, we both knew he was lying, though I didn't know why he would, and so I just let it drop. I escorted him back to the car and started the engine, letting it idle as I tried to decide what to do next. "Did you enjoy the circus?"

Shuichi smiled brightly, "Yeah! I haven't been to a circus in years!"

"Good, maybe we can stay away for another couple years." I muttered, putting the car in reverse.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing." I smiled and started out; damn…my car's muddy now. "Mind if we stop by the car wash first?"

He shook his head and I pulled into the first car wash I saw. I paid quickly and then drove up to the automatic car wash, making Shuichi gape. "We're going in there?"

I cocked an eyebrow, "What's wrong?"

"I've never been in one…don't we have to get out?" He asked as I drove into the wash.

"No." The car locked into place and I turned the engine off, smiling at him as the car wash started. He gasped when the sprinklers started, moving back and forth, and then the soap covered the car. I watched as Shuichi tried to look out the window to see what was going on, but couldn't because of the suds. Then the cloth rags came and began washing the car, making Shuichi squeal.

"We're moving!" He said, pressed up against the windshield.

"No we're not baka, it just looks like it." I snorted, but there was no way my words were going to ruin his fun, he smiled as the rags continued to beat down on my car, making me cringe. If there was even one dent in my car…oh someone was going to die… Then the rags disappeared and the sprinklers turned on again to wash off the soap. The car unlocked and the light came on to 'drive slowly'. I turned on the engine and slowly pulled in through the dryer, waiting until the very end of the car was out before tearing out of there.

"Yuki!" Shuichi laughed, sitting back to buckle up again.

"Hm?"

"You drive too fast!"

"So?" I grinned, going faster; I shifted gears, passed a car, and then tore back towards his apartment. "Where are we going Shuichi?"

"You're driving!"

"But you better tell me or I won't turn." He looked up ahead at the house.

"You wouldn't!"

"Want to try me?"

He scowled and waited, but I kept driving forward, oh I could miss the house, but I knew he wouldn't go that far. He waited until it was almost too late and then screamed, "Right!"

I slammed on the break, shifted down and screeched around the turn, making Shuichi squeal and close his eyes shut, waiting for impact. But of course, it never came, shit I've done this so many times its second nature. I straightened out and tore off again, grinning. "Now where Shu?"

"You idiot!" He scowled, hitting me in the shoulder. "Why'd you do that?"

"I told you to tell me where to go, now you better tell me or I'm going to keep going to straight."

"Left!   
  


I turned, not as intensive, but still made him close his eyes and brace for impact. "Calm down Shu!" I grinned, straightening the car out once more.

"Slow down!"

I sighed and slowed down about two miles, smirking at Shuichi. "Well, have you decided where to go?"

"U-um…the store!"

I looked sideways at him, "The store."

"Yeah, I have some stuff I need to get. Is that a problem?" His voice slightly sounding annoyed. Well that was a new one for me, he's annoyed at me instead of me being annoyed with him…I sighed and turned into the store, parking as far from the store as possible. "Yuki, why do you always park so far away?" He asked once we got out.

I tucked one hand into my jacket pocket and used the other to sweep back my sunglasses, "Because I don't want anyone denting, scratching or even touching my car."

He shrugged and followed me into the store. I watched silently as he grabbed a cart and started down the aisles, randomly grabbing things off the shelves and throwing it into his cart. He then went to the packaged meats and grabbed a couple packages of hamburger before disappearing down another aisle. It was apparent from how he sped down each aisle that he went here often…I don't think I've actually stepped inside grocery store for the past six months. I usually just ordered out or Tohma brought over fresh fruit and milk, I don't drink anymore. Oh, I'll have a beer once in a while, but only when someone else is around, I don't have beer in the house anymore. After I found out that I abused Shuichi, I refused to have alcohol in the house ever again.

We walked up to the checkout and I grabbed a soda from the front before stepping in line after him. A part of me wanted to pay for the groceries like before, but I knew Shu wouldn't like that, especially now that he's independent. As I watched the groceries get placed into bags I silently wondered where the hell all of them were going to fit, I've never seen so many bags before! There must've been fifteen or twenty different bags full of things he 'needed'. I think at the most I've gotten has been…four and that was a large amount.

"How much do you eat?" I asked once we started out of the store.

He scowled, "I don't eat that much!"

"And that's why you're buying a year's worth of food?"

"It's not a year's worth of food! Anyways, it's cheaper when it's on sale."

"It'll be on sale again."

"But maybe not when I need it." He pointed out.

"Then you buy it at full price." I shrugged, "You're a celebrity, you can afford it at full price."

"But I'd rather buy it on sale."

I gave up. It was a pointless argument over something stupid, but it felt nice. It felt normal to argue with him again, even if it was pointless. "Fine baka." I sighed and started towards my car again, the cart jingling behind me loudly.

The sound got louder, the jingling faster, and I turned around to see a whirl of pink fly by me going, "Weee!" I stared as the baka hung onto the cart, flying down the parking lot towards my…car!

"Shit! My car!" I yelled, running towards them and watching almost in slow motion as the cart hit my car and Shuichi fell to the ground, tipping over the cart. I think I died…my baby…the baka scratched my car! "You baka!" I yelled, storming up to him. Shuichi slowly stood up, dragging the cart away, and somewhat crying.

"I-I'm sorry Yuki…" He whispered as I knelt down and checked my car…yup, it was scratched and dented. Not by some passerby, not by another car, but by my own little baka standing next to me.

I sighed, closed my eyes and counted to ten, praying I could keep my temper under control when I face him. I turned around and he flinched at my glare. "You baka!" I hissed…well there goes my control. "What the hell were you thinking? You are such an idiot!" He flinched again and stared down at the ground, holding one arm in his hand, slowly rubbing it. "You scratched my car, you dented it, it's going to have to go into the shop now and it could've been a lot worse. You could've hit someone else's car, you could've hit someone else, damn it, _you_ could've gotten hurt!" Where did that last one come from? I think it surprised both of us because he looked up with wide eyes as I just stared, yet it was true…

"What?" He asked in a small voice.

I stood up and stepped towards him, making him flinch again. Was he really that afraid of me? I gathered him into a hug and held him close, reasserting that he really was here and not dead like I thought a year ago. "What would've happened if a car hit you?" I whispered to him, "What would I have done if you had fallen on your head Shuichi? Tell me."

He gripped my shirt, bowing his head, "I-I don't know…"

"You baka." I muttered, rocking him back and forth. "I don't want to lose you again."

"I'm sorry Yuki."

I sighed and released him, "Let's see what we can salvage, okay?" I knelt down and picked up the scattered groceries. He lost his three gallons of milk, a bag of hamburger had opened, his bread got squished and a couple of the cans he had been beyond saving. We threw away everything we had to, Shuichi complaining about what was still good as I threw it into the trashcan, I was not going to let him have leaking cans of…whatever in my car. He already damaged my baby; I was not going to let him ruin the leather as well.

We then packed everything else into the car, after I inspected each bag carefully, and then I made him stop so I could check him over. He had four cuts and a large scrap on his left shoulder where he had fallen, but other than that he was fine.

  
  


* * *

  
  


I took him back to his house and made him sit down as I carried the bags in, then I made him get the first aid kit so I could clean those wounds. He whined, of course, when I poured peroxide on it, but we soon had them cleaned and bandaged. I began to move away when my eyes caught the scars on his arms. My body froze, my eyes locked on the scars marring his arms because…because…of me.

"Yuki?" Shuichi questioned, staring at me curiously, but I didn't answer. I slowly reached out a shaking hand and touched those scars, grinding down on my teeth to stop the tears from coming. All of this is my fault, what the hell did I do to deserve another chance to make him happy. And I wasn't…all I was doing was hurting him again! My fingertips traced them with a feather light touch, just brushing over each scar left on his body.

I took a shaky breath before finally looking up at him from where I knelt before him. I couldn't talk, the guilt rising up in me and weakening my composure. "I am so sorry..." I whispered to him before the tears began to fall, this was only the third time he has every seen me cry and every time it surprised him. He stared down at me with shock and didn't move as I traced those scars once more, my tears falling more and more with each new scar.

How could I do this to him? Damn it! I say I love him and yet I'm able to tear him apart…what twisted love is that? I don't exactly know how long I traced those scars, especially the ones going from the inside of his elbow to his wrists—those were the ones he made the night I found him almost dead in the corner. But the tears were coming more and more and soon a small sob caught in my throat. I bowed my head and cried into his lap, my hands gripping his scarred arms.

I don't know how long we were like that, but when I came back to my senses he was holding me and I was crying into his shoulder, both us now sitting on the couch. I gripping him tightly, almost bruisingly, as I cried, soaking his shirt with my tears. Damn, I'm so weak but at that moment I could've cared less. "I'm so sorry Shuichi." I said again as I tried to calm my crying enough to speak. My voice was thick with tears, but I didn't care, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen."

"I can't tell you its okay or that it's in the past Yuki, but please stop crying…" He whispered. "I can't tell you it will ever be okay, but this is just as much my fault for how I handled this as it yours for ruining our relationship."   
  


I took a shuddering breath and hung onto him for dear life. "It's all my fault because if I hadn't…hadn't—"

  
"Cheated on me Yuki? Beat me? Ignored me? Swore at me? Kicked me out? Yuki we could do this all day, but I want to move passed this." He whispered calmly to me. How could he be so calm about this? I'm a crying wreck, a mess and I'm relying on the one who's supposed to rely on me. This isn't how it's supposed to work, it's Shuichi who is supposed to be weak and crying, not me.

"Can we?" I whispered against his neck.

There was a long pause before Shuichi answered me in a soft voice, "I don't know."

"Why didn't you leave me when I abused you Shu?" I finally asked, a thought on my mind for the past year that I never could get out of my head. I never had the nerve to ask him, because I didn't want to hear the answer.   
  


"Because…I didn't want to leave you Yuki. I tried," he whispered into my hair, "I tried so many times because I knew you'd rather have me leave you than stay with you and be beaten, but I never could do it. It was better to be abused than leave you."

"No!" I almost yelled, "No, it's never better! No, I don't care if you have to kill me, if I have to kill myself, if I _ever_ touch you again like that, then leave me Shuichi. Please, for me."

He nodded, "But you won't, will you?" He asked.

I shook my head, "No, never again."

"Then there won't be a reason for me to leave." He scooted some and I pulled away. "Lay down." He said softly, patting his thigh and I did, laying my head on his thigh and sighing when his fingers began running through my hair. He started humming lightly, I recognized it as the first song he ever wrote, and I closed my eyes, my tears finally drying. I sighed contently and wrapped one arm around his leg and brought the other up to stop his hand for a second so I could kiss it.

I think he smiled then, but I didn't open my eyes to see. Shuichi began stroking my hair again and he was soon singing the words lowly. My breathing evened out and the rhythmic feeling of his fingers in my hair and his soft voice had me hypnotized, I felt so weak and yet so strong at once. My body seemed to become heavier and I relaxed my muscles as he continued to sing.

_berubetto no KOIN dake o PAKKU ni tsumete_

_meiro no you na yume no chizu wa iranai_

_saka-maku kodou kara_

_kirakira gin no Passion kakehiki dake no yuuwaku_

_kowaresou na kimi no hitomi ga ikeru DOA tataite_

_sagashi-tsuzukeru You Just a New World_

_MEIN SUTORIITO ni kizamu semegi-atta namida ga…_

Dhampir   
Page 17   
3/8/2021


	4. What Have I Done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovlies ^_^ 
> 
> I didn't know if I'd get to post this or not because I had to go get a tooth pulled, but I'm feeling pretty good at the moment and it's been a bit since I got to update this one, so here I am!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters except the ones I made up in this chapter. 

**Note:** If you have not all ready, please read _Cutting Through It All_ before this story. It is a sequel and everything will make more sense if you read the very depressing prequel.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
** _Chapter Four_

I awoke slowly, inhaling deep the stale air of my apartment and the smell of cigarette smoke…that wasn't there. I frowned, my arm over my eyes, and shifted in my bed…that oddly felt harder than usual. I groaned, my hand gripping at my leather sheets… What the fuck?   
  


I sat up and opened my eyes, looking around Shuichi's apartment. I looked at the leather couch and fingered the blanket over me…what exactly happened last night? Fuck, I needed a smoke… I stood up, looking around the apartment for the pink haired man, but didn't see him anywhere.

"Shu?" I called, blinking the sleep from my eyes. How long have I been here? Damn, I cried again…I'm not supposed to cry anymore. I groaned, sweeping my hair back with one hand. Shit, I needed a shower too…

The pink haired man stuck his head from his room, already wide awake. "Yeah?"

Fuck this was awkward. I sat back down on the couch, closing my eyes and trying to keep back the headache I could feel coming. "Never mind." I muttered, rubbing the bridge of my nose. This was going to be a fucking migraine! I needed to get out of here…

He came and sat down next to me, I could feel the couch give beneath him. "Is something wrong, Yuki?" He asked quietly.

"I just…" I moaned, this isn't good. I've been stressing so much over making everything perfect for him that my own health was taking a turn for the worst…

"Yuki?" He whispered and I looked at him.

"I'm fine." I lied, starting to stand up, but a wave of nausea caught me and I fell back into the couch. Covering my mouth as a bout of coughing caught me. Shit, this isn't good.

Shuichi grabbed my arm, "Yuki!" I clapped my other hand over my first, I could already taste the blood in my mouth. Shit, shit, shit, this is not what I needed. I took a shaky breath and turned to look at Shuichi…I did not want to pull him into this again. Last time this happened I left him and just looking at his face I could tell the same thoughts were passing through his eyes. "Yuki! Yuki, are you okay?" He asked, his voice quaking with fear. "Yuki, please! Say something!"

"Doctor…" I whispered to him once my coughing subsided, blood dripping between my fingers. Shuichi was gone in a flash, calling an ambulance and trying to calm his shaking. Damn, I'm upsetting him as well. He returned to my side, his hands shaking as he passed me a cloth, and I wiped the blood off my hands and mouth. I could already feel another coughing fit coming, but I gave him a small smile. I nodded to him in thanks before the next fit came.

"Yuki…" He whispered, hugging my waist and burying his face into my shoulder.

I wrapped my one arm around him loosely as coughs wracked my chest. I could already hear the doctor scolding me…  
  
  
  


"Yuki-san, I have told you to stop overstressing yourself, I don't care if you have to take a year off from writing! Your health is more important than any novel." My doctor scolded and I glared at him. No shit, I think I know that.

"I haven't written for a year." I snapped at him, crossing my arms over my chest and sitting up in bed.

"I told you to stay lying down."

"Well, I'm not going to."

"Yuki-san."

"Send Shuichi in here." I said before he could start another rant.

The doctor's mouth closed and his lips pressed into a thin line. He refused to say anything else, thankfully, and spun on his heel to get Shuichi. My pink haired baka came in slowly, almost timidly, and looked up at me with sad, heavy eyes.

Shit, he's blaming himself… "Shu." I said quietly, calling him to my side. He came, but stayed out of reach as if he was afraid he'd hurt me.

"I-I'm sorry Yuki." He said, pulling on his sleeve.

"Shu, come here." I whispered, opening my arms and looking right at him. Slowly, he came to me, crawling onto the bed next to me. I took him in my arms and held him tight…damn, I missed this too. I missed everything about him and feeling him in my arms again was a cure all in its own. "Why are you apologizing?" I asked, holding him against my chest.

He remained silent and I looked down at him to find him silently crying, his arms wrapped around my waist.

"Shuichi, this isn't your fault. I did this to myself and I'm not leaving." I said, quelling both his fears. "I just worried you'd…" Damn I hated this…talking about your feelings was harder than it looked! I hate crying not because I look weak, but because it shows my weaknesses and exposes them to the world. "I thought you'd hate me for what I did to you." I whispered into his hair, tightening my grip on him. "So I stressed over if you'd like what I had planned or not and if you really did hate me and I just forgot to take my…own health into account."

"But if I hated you I wouldn't talk to you." He said against my chest, still crying.

I rubbed his back, "Don't cry." I said, moving one hand to wipe away his tears. "I don't like it when you cry."

"Sorry Yuki." He whispered.

"Come on…" I said, lying down and turning on my side so I could hold him better. I heard him sniffling, but he moved closer to me and buried his head in the crook of my neck. "I won't leave, I promise, unless you want me to." I whispered to him.

He shook his head, whispering, "I don't want you to."

I sighed in relief and held him closer. Well, that right there just relieved half of my stress. "Neither do I." I said to him, content with just holding him close to me and feeling the warmth of his body next to mine.

* * *

Two days later I was released from the hospital on strict orders not to overstress myself again. Well shit, that's easy for the doctor to say, he's not the one trying to get back the lover he abused and drove to cutting himself. I think it's a pretty safe bet that I'll overstress myself again.

Shuichi refused to let me drive and drove me home instead, my car already there somehow. He was quiet the entire drive, refusing to look at me, and I was beginning to fidget. What'd I do now? Violet eyes locked on me after he parked and I stared back, waiting.

"Yuki…" He whispered, oh shit, he's breaking up with me. He's breaking up with _me_. It's never gone like this before, I'm the one who's supposed to break up with him and kick him out and yell and insult him, not the other way around. Yet instead he crawled on top of me and raked back my blonde hair with his fingers.

I remained where I was, uncertain of what he was doing or why, and watched him. Slowly he cupped my face and stared into my eyes, an unreadable emotion building in his eyes. Ever so slowly he brought his lips towards me and softly kissed my eyes, cupping my face with his slender hands. I slightly tilted my head to look up at him and watched with half lidded eyes as he slowly began kissing down the side of my face to my jaw.

My eyes fluttered closed and I gave into the soft treatment of kisses though I didn't quite understand what he was doing… His hands filtered through my hair again and I let out a soft sigh before his lips touched mine ever so gently. Before I could even respond, his lips left mine and trailed down my chin to my neck before coming back up to met my lips once more.

This time I returned the soft kiss, a small moan escaping my throat. Shuichi finally pulled away and stared down at me, his eyes so soft and full of fear. "Shu…?" I whispered, bringing my hand up to brush his cheek. Why is he scared? Why are those beautiful eyes of his filling with tears? Why is he shaking?

Suddenly he buried his head into the crook of my neck, circling his arms around me, and cried, his small body shaking with sobs.

"Shuichi? Shu, what's wrong?" I asked, my arms finally winding around his lower back and pulling him closer.

"I…I thought you were dying." He said between sobs, "When I saw the blood, I thought…" He stopped, crying more…

"I'm not dying, love." I whispered to him, kissing his neck. "And I won't leave you." Kissing his neck again, I slowly moved upward as much as I could, giving him the same soft kisses he just gave me. He turned his head and met my lips, taking everything he could from me; this was something we both needed. I opened my mouth to him for an intimate kiss and let my tongue slide against his. There was nothing passionate about it, but in that one kiss I could feel everything we didn't say: Love, want, uncertainty, fear, anger and promise.

We separated and stared at each other, both of us searching the other. Was what I felt in that kiss what he felt? Did we both convey those feelings or just me? Shuichi gave me a soft smile and dipped down for another kiss, meeting me halfway. This time our kiss was more heated, more passionate and secure and I wanted more, needed more. My hands pulled him closer while his hands returned to raking through my hair, both of us pressing closer. I could feel both of us becoming hard and Shuichi rocked his hips against me trying to find a more comfortable position on my lap.

I gasped as he rubbed against my erection and pulled him even closer, savoring our close proximity and the feeling of his small body against mine. I wanted more, but we weren't ready for that yet…but damn did this feel good.

"Yuki…" He moaned against my lips, separating to nibble at my ear.

I smirked, holding back a moan, "Brat." I muttered as he began nipping and sucking at my neck. He rocked his hips again, this time deliberately, and moaned against my neck. His hands left my hair and trailed down my chest; brushing my nipples and making me give a small moan. My own hands moved down and caressed his ass, oh God did that feel good, that soft, well formed ass of his in my hands made my cock twitch.

Shuichi's hands dipped inside in shirt and ran his warm fingers up my chest. Damn, he's good at this, is he _trying_ to make me lose control? A small possessive growl left my throat when he tweaked my nipples and I took his mouth in a hungry kiss, thrusting my tongue into his mouth and biting at his lips. I began rocking him against me, thrusting my hips upwards with each rock, making both of us gasp.

"Yuki!" He moaned, meeting my kiss with just as much fervor as me, his hands slightly clenching against my chest, scratching lightly. I wanted to let my hands slide inside those tight jeans he was wearing, but I knew that doing that would take us passed that line and I didn't want to scare him. It was all up to him, he had to make the choice. So I continued to caress his ass, squeezing it lightly every couple thrusts, grinding him against me.

Shit, this was getting too heated and we're in a damn car. I did not want our second first time to be in a fucking car. I didn't care if we were outside, in his apartment, in my apartment in someone else's apartment, but I didn't want it to be cramped inside a car.

He suddenly pulled back, his face flushed with need and his breaths coming in short pants, his hands still inside my shirt and his groin pressed against mine. We barely had a single inch between our bodies, both of us hot, sweaty and wanting more. Yet he suddenly pulled away from me and just stared. His eyes softened, losing that lusty gaze, and he moved his hands from under my shirt before gently sweeping back my sweaty bangs. "Sorry Yuki, I guess I got a little carried away." He whispered to me before gently kissing me again.

I cupped one side of his face as we kissed, our tongues intertwining in another intimate kiss, and smiled at him once we parted. "Don't apologize."

He climbed off of me and let his head fall back onto the headrest. "Oh geez…" He moaned, shifting in his now too tight jeans.

I grinned and leaned over, tilting his head towards me so I could kiss him again. I slowly explored his mouth this time, listening to him moan, and bit at his bottom lip lightly before moving back. "I'll see you soon and Shuichi…" I paused waiting for him to open his eyes again and look at me before whispering, "I love you." I quickly opened the door and got out, feeling like a complete idiot for leaving him in the car gaping at me.

I hastily made my way to my apartment, nodding to my neighbor as we passed in the hall, and then turned around to see he was still sitting there. I smirked, I guess I shocked him…He really hadn't believed me when I told him that over a year ago…Shit, I'm not going there. No.

I remained outside of my door and pulled out a cigarette, damn did I need one. Lighting it, I watched as my pink haired baka finally reversed and left the parking lot. Once I finished that cigarette, I lit another one, trying to get my cock to deflate and leave me the hell alone.

I stood outside for two hours just smoking and staring at the surrounding buildings. I watched Mr. Yamamaki wash his car, Miss Yoko gather her mail as well as Mrs. Wu and the elderly Mr. Sugo's mail and then the children came home from school, six children lived in this apartment complex. I chuckled, it's weird…a year ago I didn't know who else lived around me except for the one's in my apartment and now I knew not just who they were, but also about their lives.

Mr. Yamamaki's wife died after their second child and now he was raising the two boys on his own and struggling. Sometimes I even watched the older boy, Keita, for him. He was thirteen and wanted to be a writer—how familiar—and also loved _Bad Luck_, lucky for me...of course Keita didn't know I knew Shuichi or that we were intimate at one point, but he did know all about Shuichi's life. Then there was me…he knew about me as well, he read many of my books and was always asking when my next was going to be published and what was taking me so long. In many ways he was like Shuichi and then in many ways he was like me. He was almost a perfect mix of me and Shu.

Miss Yoko is only nineteen, but already a model for some hot magazines. She's nice and tries to help others out, but I can tell she's bulimic. I've tried to get her help, but she refuses, of course, and sometimes I wonder if it's already too late for her…Shuichi was anorexic and it was almost too late for him. The long haired black woman is beautiful beyond comparison and if I wasn't so taken with my Shuichi, I'd probably be fucking her, but now…she's more of a sister to me than anything else.

Then there's Mrs. Wu and Mr. Sugo. The two elderly people live on the first floor and are two of the nicest people I know. Mrs. Wu always makes a trip up here to visit me because she says I'm too lonely while Mr. Sugo always asks how my day has been whenever he sees me.

Those four people have made the most impact on my life than anyone else here. Oh there are others who live here of course, even one man, Yoshitoki, reminds me of me. Or at least the old me. He stays to himself, he cold to everyone and he refuses help from everyone. I know there's nothing I can do because I understand how he feels, but I hope someday soon he'll meet someone and understand what it means to love and to be loved as Shuichi did to me.

I sighed, letting my cigarette drop from my hand, and turned to my apartment with the setting sun. Opening the door, it suddenly occurred to me that this was the first time Shuichi had been to my new apartment—even if he hadn't gone inside. But he hadn't asked about it…not even when I was giving the directions to get here…but then, we were both distracted…I smirked, damn, he's gotten better at foreplay.

Clicking on the lights, I looked around my empty apartment and sighed again, almost seeing my pink haired baka jumping up and latching onto my waist, smiling up at me as he welcomed me home. I smiled at the memory and closed the door, my smile slipping as I walked around the empty apartment. Another night alone…

* * *

"Hold on Keita, now what you're suggesting is that I should've let the character die?" I asked the thirteen year old sitting across from me.

The blue eyed, brown haired teen nodded. "Yes! It would've been better."

"It made number one in the nation." I said flatly.

"But it still would've been better if Keiya had died at the end! It was so tragic all throughout the book and yet you end it with the two of them together?"

"That's because they were overcoming their problems and sorrows. We both know if Keiya had died then Tadakatsu would've followed."

He harrumphed and leaned back into my couch. "I know."

I smiled at the boy and looked at the book in my hand. "Why are you reading this anyways?"

"Because I wanna be a writer like you, Yuki-san!" He glared.

"All right, all right." I chuckled, backing down from the glare. Standing up I went to my room. "I'll be right back, I'm going to change into something more comfortable."

"Okay Yuki-san." He said, turning on the television. I sighed and went to my room, stripping out of my suit and dress shirt and sliding on a pair of lounge pants. I hadn't even gotten to put on my shirt when the doorbell rang.

I frowned, "Who the hell is that?" I asked aloud, Mr. Yamamaki wasn't due for another two hours…

"Yuki-san! Someone's at the door!" Keita yelled.

I rolled my eyes, "I know Keita…" I muttered to him as I passed him by. I opened the door and stared at…nothing. "What the fuck?" I whispered under my breath and looked down the hall, spotting a flash of pink hair. "Shuichi?" I asked before darting out to follow him. I saw him dart into the elevator and cursed as I took down the stairs, almost breaking my neck as I jumped the stairs.

What the hell is going on? Why would he come to my apartment just to run away from me? I burst from the staircase at the same time the elevator doors opened. "Shuichi!" I yelled, but he didn't listen and continued to run away. I caught him around the waist and pulled him back. "Shuichi, what the hell's wrong?"

He tore away from me and turned around, his face tear streaked and red. "Yuki you baka!" He yelled at me. "I hate you! Didn't you tell me yesterday that you loved me? Didn't you?"

Well…this was new. I looked down at him in shock and tried to approach him, but he stepped back. "Yes, I told you I loved you because I do, Shuichi."

"How can you say that when…when you're sleeping with someone else?" He asked me.

"Sleeping with someone else? Shuichi, where is this coming from?" I asked, finally gathering him into my arms, but he just pounded on my chest with his fists, sobbing.

"I hate you! Is anyone just good enough for you, Yuki? Am I not enough? I thought you _loved_ me! How could you do this to me?"

"Damn it Shuichi! Where the hell is all this coming from?" I snapped in confusion. "I haven't had sex in over a year you baka because I want you and only you. So will you tell me where you're getting this from?"

He finally calmed down some, but continued to cry. I guess he didn't believe me… "W-when I knocked on your door…someone else was in there." He finally said, his voice so soft I barely heard the answer.

"Oh Shuichi, you idiot, that was Keita." I said, holding him closer. I kissed his forehead and made him look up at me. "I love you and no one else. Since…that night I haven't slept with a single person Shuichi—I swear."

"T-then who is Keita?" He asked, his tears slowly.

I took his hands and kissed his fingers, making him look up at me curiously. "I know someone who'd love to meet you…" I said to him and led him back to my apartment. Shuichi bit his bottom lip nervously, but didn't protest. "Relax Shu-chan." I whispered as we walked back into my apartment.

The short brown haired teen looked over the couch at me. "Yuki-san, why'd you run out like that?"

I turned and let Shuichi come in. "Shuichi, this is Yamamaki Keita. Keita, this is—"

Keita gasped when he saw the rock star and jumped off the couch. "S-Shindou Shuichi! Lead Vocalist for _Bad Luck!"_ He said, running up to stare at Shuichi. "Yuki-san! Why didn't you tell me you knew Shindou Shuichi?" He asked, glaring up at me.

I smiled down at him, "Ah…well…Shu-chan?" I asked, effectively making him blush.

"Well, I guess it didn't seem very important." He answered.

"How can knowing the lead singer of _Bad Luck_ not be important?" Keita scowled.

"Ah, well…I don't really know." Shuichi laughed.

"Oh and Shu-chan…" I whispered, leaning close to him and making him blush even more. "He's only thirteen so there's nothing to worry about…"

"Y-Yuki!" He whispered back.

"Hmm?" I grinned, nipping at his ear, my arms moving down to encircle his waist.

"What are you doing?" He asked, tensing in my arms.

"Saying hello to my boyfriend or can't I do that?" I murmured into his ear before looking at him.

He looked up at me wide eyed, "Boyfriend…?" He whispered.

"No?"

Shuichi shook his head vigorously before wrapping his arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. "Yuki!" He moved back, forgetting Keita, and kissed me passionately, his tongue thrusting into my mouth and his eyes fluttering closed. He pulled away, giving me a small smile, and blushed when he noticed Keita gaping at us.

"You two are gay!" He practically yelled, pointing at us. "Yuki-san? You're gay? And with Shindou Shuichi?"

I smirked at him, cocking an eyebrow, "Is that a problem?"

"O-of course not…Yuki-san…" He said, looking away from us.

Shuichi smiled and then began chatting animatedly with my little writer, talking about singing and all his songs and how he wrote them. I just leaned against the door and watched them talk on the couch, looking at the Music Channel and singing. I couldn't keep the smile off my face as Shuichi described his first concert and how Ryuichi had to come and save him because he froze. Never did apologize for that…oh well.

Two hours later, there was a knock on the door and I snapped out of my stupor. I tore my eyes away from my little pink haired baka and opened the door, nodding to Mr. Yamamaki. "Come on it." I said, stepping back to let the older man in.

I turned to see Shuichi looking at me curiously as I spoke with Keita's father about Keita. "Thank you Yuki-san, for watching Keita, I don't know how I'd deal with both of them at once…"   
  


"I've told you, it's a pleasure to have Keita here, he's really becoming a good writer for his age." I smiled.

"Really Yuki-san?" Keita squealed before hugging me around the waist just like Shuichi used to do…He looked up at me with such large eyes that all I could do was nod.

"Keita, come on, we must be going." Mr. Yamamaki said, smiling at the two of us. Slowly Keita nodded and released me, but only to fling himself at Shuichi and hug him as well.

"Thanks for the autograph Shindou-san!"

Shuichi smiled, "I told you, call me Shuichi."

"Right." He blushed. "Shuichi!"

Mr. Yamamaki thanked me again and then took Keita's hand, "Come on, Shinji has been asking after you all day." He said, walking out the door. I closed it and shook my head, it never changed. Every time Keita came here to work on his homework and talk, Shinji would constantly ask after him, wondering where his brother was and if he was okay and when he would be returning. The ten year old had even came up to my apartment before just to make certain his brother was really there and coming back.

"You watch children now?" Shuichi asked quietly, that soft contemplation look on his face.

I nodded, "Mr. Yamamaki works two jobs and can't handle watching both of them. Keita is more of a handful than Shinji is though because he has ADD. So I watch him three or four times a week."

"I always thought you'd be good with children." He said, smiling at me and I felt my heart break. What had I done to him? What had I done to make his hyper, addictive nature to disappear? How could I destroy such a beautiful creature? A tear slipped down my face and I covered my eyes with my hand. "Yuki?" Shuichi asked, seeing the sudden change in my demeanor.

"What have I done to you?" I whispered in a choked voice. "Shuichi! What have I done to you?" I yelled at him, more tears trailing down my face as I slid to the ground. I took in a shaky breath, blinking to keep the tears back, but inside I was breaking…I killed him…I killed everything that was _him_.

"Yuki, don't do this to me." He whispered and I looked up to find him kneeling just in front of me. "Please…don't cry. You ask what you've done to me? Are you sure you want to know the answer?"

I was shaking so bad, I felt almost cold, but I covered my face again. "I already know…" I said softly. "I destroyed you…Everything that you were I destroyed."

He took my hands and interlaced out fingers. "You're right Yuki, you did destroy me, but you did more than that…you also saved me." I shook my head, denying it, but he wouldn't have that. "It's true Yuki! When I was in the hospital…I was dying and no matter what anyone did…I was still dying. I stopped talking, I _forgot_ people, I forgot my own life, but you…you I never forgot. Not truly." He settled between my spread legs and laid his head on my chest. "You saved me…if you hadn't come in, if you hadn't given me that book…Yuki, I'd be dead."

I refused to cry again, but I couldn't speak either. If I had just been honest in the first place and hadn't been so set on keeping our relationship private, none of this would've happened. After my 'relationship' with Sakura had begun, I became ashamed of it I couldn't tell Shuichi about it so instead I locked myself away again. I wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't tell him anything and I drove him to self mutilation…

"Do you understand Yuki? I'll never be the same, I'll never be the hyper pink baka you once knew again, but neither will you…you'll never be the cold bastard I knew and loved. You'll be the new Yuki, the Yuki that spends time with kids and actually knows his neighbors and you'll be the Yuki who tells me his feelings and how he loves me."

"And you?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"And I?" He fell silent, his breath against my bare chest and his hair tickling my nipple. "That I don't know yet…I hope I'll be you're lover again, I hope I'll be stronger, I hope I'll be wiser and I hope I'll be happy again."

"That's all I want." I whispered to him, "All I want is for you to be happy and if I have to give you up for that…I-I will. If being happy means being with me, then I'll gladly accept it, but if being happy means being with someone else…I'll…step back." I finally said. "But I'll always love you."

Dhampir   
Page 11  
3/15/2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter isn't as long as the last, but I wanted to show just how much Yuki has changed from before. Actually...I started writing the next chapter as this chapter and I was suddenly struck with Yuki fell asleep at Shuichi's apartment and he had to wake up there! So...I decided to do this instead. 
> 
> I hope you're still enjoying this! I need to figure out how to clean up the ending as this fic went much darker than I was anticipating, but I've got quite a few chapters before we make it to there. ^_^

**Author's Note:**

> And there's Chapter One! I hope you all liked it--thank you for the kudos and comments in advance. 
> 
> This story should be lighter, but it still has angst.


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